NEW YORK — Let’s pretend President Trump decided to throw a surprise birthday party — for himself. A very plausible thought, as he prepared to celebrate his 74th yesterday, Sunday, June 14.
Because he wanted to make the celebration extra-special, we can speculate that the planning that went into it was extra-special, too.
He was going to lead the nation in a “very, very great event,” he said. “After all, the country has just gone through a pandemic and economic hardship, and deserves a break.”
And, the president asked rhetorically, hadn’t he, “at a very young age, accomplished so many great things, when people such as Crooked Hillary, Obama and Sleepy Joe didn’t even come close.” (When an aide whispered that two of the three he named were younger than he, and only one of the three was president, at a much younger age, Trump replied, “So what’s your point?”)
He had his daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared look into ancient Hebrew texts for ideas. One that he liked was the feast involving QueenVashti, hosted by her husband, the Persian king Ahasuerus, which went on for days. President Trump would have extended his celebration, but “my very loyal supporters are expecting me at reelection campaign rallies, and I can’t disappoint them.”
At the ancient event, Queen Vashti refused the king’s order to appear and was banished. (“No woman, wife or otherwise, would turn down my order,” the President commented.) Eventually, we may recall, Esther became queen and saved Persian Jews from extinction.
The president also liked the idea of the Passover seder, at which different foods represented important historical events. He planned to apply what he served to his own political career.
Going back in American history, he wanted to have a prominent show business personality sing “Happy Birthday” to him, à la Marilyn Monroe’s famous tribute to President John F. Kennedy But “so many stars want the honor,” Trump told intimates, “I decided not to pick one above others, and instead will play the Monroe tribute over and over again.”
He made a big point of noting that his birthday fell on the same day as Flag Day–“that’s not just coincidence,” he commented,”but the Divine at work.” Consequently, he planned to distribute to the party guests “special” American flags.”Many, many admirers thought those flags should have a likeness of me where every star is located, but I thought that was too much, and would be criticized by the fake media. So just the middle star will be replaced by my picture.”
Guests are not being charged for the flags, and there is no admission to the celebration, but there is a “suggested” donation to the Trump reelection campaign.
As to reciting accomplishments of the Trump administration, he said, “Many, many people urged me to make that a major part of the program. But that could be criticized by the phony media as boastful exaggeration. So instead, I’ve asked some of my trusted allies to do it for me — Mike Pence, Bill Barr, Lindsey Graham, Tom Cotton, and Mitch McConnell. I’m sure they’ll do a great job (though, of course, not as great as if I were the one doing it.”
Because he decided the celebration needed a “specialness to it,” he planned a military parade displaying ‘America’s might” along with fighter planes overhead. This past weekend, he’d ordered Army graduates back to West Point for commencement ceremonies, and there were more than a thousand who returned. He selected 50 of “my cadet graduates” by lot to attend his party (free of charge, but expected to perform special marching maneuvers). “It will leave an indelible impression,” he claimed.
Taking a clue from synagogues that let worshipers choose to sit either in mixed-gender sections, or strictly male or strictly female areas, party guests may choose to sit in social-distance areas and wear face masks, or in areas where they can rub elbows and not wear masks.
Food will be plentiful, with lots of wine although the president doesn’t drink alcohol. “I don’t need it. I’m high on life, and on my marvelous accomplishments.”
With lots of singing, dancing and other features, it’s not your nomral celebration or guest of honor. It was a birthday party to remember, and certainly a birthday boy!
*
Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s “Just Kidding” column are assured it is satire and nothing therein should be taken seriously.