SAN DIEGO−After Donald Trump learned that the original date of his Tulsa Rally coincided with Juneteenth, he changed the date out of deference to African Americans. Indeed, he respects their holiday so much that he plans to make June 20th a national holiday modeled after it calling it Trumpteenth. Here are excerpts from an advance copy of his speech tomorrow:
My fellow Americans, [and I consider people of color Americans as long as they vote for me and don’t participate in Antifa-instigated Black Lives Matter demonstrations],
In 1865 slaves in Texas heard about President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation two years after it was issued because he had been so busy during the Civil War that he didn’t have time to abolish the inefficient US Postal Service. They were jubilant and celebrated.
My rally marks a similar momentous event: the emancipation from the Covid-19 pandemic. No longer will Americans be enslaved to the tyranny of avoiding large gatherings in closed spaces, social distancing, and wearing masks. We have the right to risk our lives for the pursuit of liberty and happiness. From now on, flattening the curve is optional, and, probably unlikely, because I’m so popular I could lure thousands of my supporters to breathe, cough, and stand on top of each other with the probability that some of them will get infected and die, and I wouldn’t lose any voters. I know those of you who are attending today agree or else you wouldn’t have signed the waiver that you won’t sue me if you catch the coronavirus.
People say that on Juneteenth, the ex-slaves dressed in fancy clothes like those worn by their former masters. I like that tradition and the boost it will give to the economy. So after the rally I welcome the ladies to check out Ivanka’s clothing line at the kiosks set up on the outside of the Bok Center. My brand of ties and MAGA hats are also available for purchase by the men if they still have any money left from their unemployment checks.
To conclude, let us have a moment of silence in memory of George Floyd and in solidarity with all the fine policemen who have been unjustly accused by the radical Dems of using excessive force when they were only trying to maintain law and order with the military equipment the Federal government sold them.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.