NEW YORK — To characterize President Trump’s creative ideas as mind-blowing or mind-numbing would be classic understatement. So many of his ideas are so very brilliant, they’re almost blinding.
Take the recent example, when he said there would be very few cases of the coronavirus if the United States stopped its testing and contact-tracing. So, taken to its logical extreme, if you don’t test, there are no cases of the virus, no victims..and, ultimately no need for a vaccine or even protective gear.
The president’s out-of-the-box logic might well extend beyond the pandemic: if there are no statistics, there are no auto accidents, no crime, no fraud, and so on.
When White House sources said the president had been jesting about no testing, he doubled down, declaring he absolutely was not kidding. No testing, no victims.
But it’s not like the president to stop there….and I can imagine what came next. See if you don’t agree.
First, in response to someone having written that Trump would have a hard time walking and chewing gum at the same time, he determined to demonstrate he does them better, either individually or together, than anyone else. Accordingly, he dispatched Vice President Pence to get him a pack of gum for his demonstration.
Pence arrived, out of breath, but with a pack of gum (produced by a company thst hadn’t contributed to the Trump re-election campaign, which the president noted, but added, “never mind.”)
Chewing and walking toward the press section, Trump teetered slightly, but blamed his iregular turf on botched lawn-trimming, “probably by an undocumented gardener.”‘
Then he handed the gum from his mouth to Pence (who was grateful he’d been chosen) and turned to other matters simmering in his fertile mind. Trump boasted about commuting the jail sentence of Roger Stone, who he said, “had been treated very, very unfairly. …And so have I, referring to recent Supreme Court decisions that effectively found that no one — ‘not even the President, mind you,’ is above the law. A disaster!
“I took two no-talent judges and made them stars by appointing them to the Supreme Court and the first chance they get, they show their disloyalty. I’m asking Bill Barr to look into what can be done about these clowns.
“But enough about me, I don’t like talking about myself. What I really want to concentrate on is something close to the hearts of my many, many Jewish friends and admirerers (I have more than any other president, certainly more than Obama or crooked Hillary or sleepy Joe).”
He wanted to concentrate on what he referred to as an observance called Tisch Above — Tisch was a really mediocre organization, nowhere near the superiority of Trump. The holiday really should be called Trump Above.” Then, pointing to reporters and photographs, ‘You fake news people should know that was a joke.”
Declaring he knows more about Jewish matters than anybody, including rabbis, Trump said that, according to Jared, the holiday was “a real downer,” actually covering three weeks of no parties, dancing or romancing, and getting sadder until the 26-hour day itself, with no food or drink. “Even a jolly guy like myself gets a little grumpy if I can’t have my big Macs.”
Also, it commemoratrs destruction of two templrs (“obviously not built by the Trump organization or they would have lasted…another joke, news media) and lots of reading about sad events from way back. But why dwell on what’s long gone? I say, move on.
“Which is why I’m planing a gala to mark the holiday. It’ll be at Mar-a-Lago, with lots of food, drinks, dancing, entertanment. And no admission charge, just a suggested contribution to my re-election campaign.
In the Trump world, it al makes perfect sense, including the logic of no tests, no victims.
Which suggests a question for the president: If congregants come to a synagogue for a service, and no one counts them, is there always automatically a minyan or never one?
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Readers unfamiliar with Joel H. Cohen’s ‘Just Kidding’ columns are assured they are satire, and nothing therein should be taken seriously.