Satire: How Trump aced his cognitive test

By Laurie Baron, Ph.D

SAN DIEGO — We can imagine that Donald Trump might issue a news release like the following in the coming week.

Like for every assignment I am given, I did not prepare for the Montreal Cognitive Assessment. I have passed every test I have taken in my life including blood, Covid-19, and sperm tests with one exception: my Army physical.  I failed that because of my bones not my brain.

Before starting the test, I issued an Executive Order exempting me from the Executive Functioning section of the test.

I was asked if I knew what day and date it was.  I answered first term.

I was given five words to remember: person, woman, man, camera, tv.  I associated each with something meaningful to me: white, grab her, Putin, surveillance, The Apprentice.

I was instructed to draw what the face of a clock looks like when it is 2:30.  I skipped this one because it was unfair.  After all, I own a digital watch.

There were pictures of animals like an elephant and a rhino that I was supposed to name.  This was easy because my sons have killed both.

I had to repeat a sentence and identify the words that began with F.  I requested my own sentence: Make America great again.  No F in it because there won’t be any foreigners left in the country when it’s great again.  I cheated by peeking at the MAGA hat I was wearing.

I was told to count back from a 100 by 7.  The point is that I started with a 100, a perfect score.

I was asked what do a bike and train have in common. I replied Joe Biden.  He takes the train because he’s such a poor loser he can’t afford a limousine or helicopter.  When he arrives at the station in DC, he rides a bike into the city because he can’t even afford an Uber.

Upon finishing the test, I handed the administering physician an NDA to sign. That’s when he exclaimed “amazing,” presumably rating my performance.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.