SAN DIEGO−Continuing his campaign promise to deregulate America, Donald Trump has proposed regulating the following oaths if he is elected to a second term.
Postal Carriers Oath: “Neither rain, nor sleet, nor dark of night shall stay these Couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds, but Covid-19, elections, and lack of government funding will delay us until after November 3, 2020. We also pledge to resign as soon as there are openings at FedEx and UPS.”
Witness Oath: “I swear by the Almighty Christian God that I will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth unless it implicates anyone associated with the president.”
Hippocratic Oath: “I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant: I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, but will defer to whatever the president deems politically expedient.”
Military Oath: “I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend Article 2 of the Constitution and the Second Amendment against all enemies, foreign and domestic including anarchists, Antifa, fake news correspondents, nasty women, people of color, and radical Democrats who plot to take away our guns, limit the powers of the president or hurt God and white suburban housewives.”
Presidential Oath: “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability to preserve, protect and defend myself from ever having to step down from this Office.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.