Daily Zoom shul-hopping to recite Kaddish

By Irv Kass

CORONADO, California — The pandemic quarantine began in mid-March. One week later, my mother died in her sleep. She was 97 and lived in New York. I live in California. Our New York daughter “Zoomed” mom’s graveside funeral and we sat shiva online. So much of this time has been trying and sad. We miss our grandkids—even though we see them on FaceTime or Zoom almost every day. And we will forever regret not being able to say a proper good-bye to mom in person.

When my dad died in 2007, I tried, with pretty good success, to say the mourners’ Kaddish for him every day with a minyan for 11 months. I remember, getting off a plane at Newark airport and rushing to Manhattan for an afternoon prayer service. I made it to the diamond district near Rockefeller Center for an Orthodox minyan on 47th Street. It was an eclectic group and welcoming too.

As a “Reformative” Jew, raised in a Conservative Synagogue and for the last 40 years actively involved with Reform Judaism, I am comfortable in most Jewish prayer situations. But my preference, these days, is to attend “egalitarian” minyanim, where women are counted in determining a prayer quorum. Few Reform Synagogues convene daily services (yes, I know there are some). So, I find myself mostly “attending” Conservative services, in person for my father back then and now online for my mother.

During the pandemic, going to “shul”—virtually—has been relatively easy. On Shabbat morning, I’ve been Zooming the online lay-led minyan at our “home” synagogue, Congregation Beth Israel in San Diego. Beth Israel also presents a beautiful Kabbalat Shabbat service every Friday evening. It is a combination of heartfelt prayer and musical joy presented by the temple’s clergy team and talented musician-congregants. During this unusual year, Rabbi Cantor Arlene Bernstein had been leading Beth Israel with loving devotion ably assisted by Rabbi Jeremy Gimbel. In July, Rabbi Jason Nevarez joined the team as our new senior rabbi. He fits right in as a musician himself.

Because we live in the Pacific Time Zone, and I am an early riser, Synagogues across the country are accessible on-line. I’ve joined services at New York’s Central Synagogue during Pesach and a few Shabbat mornings. Cantor Julia Cadrain and Rabbi Maurice Salth are a welcoming pair who lead with warmth and sweet music. Their use of Facebook chat, in real time, adds an interactive dimension to enrich the experience.

But six days a week, for nearly six months now, I have been going to on-line Shacharit every morning with Sinai Temple in Los Angeles. Davening, most mornings, is led by Cantor Marcus Feldman; occasionally, Rabbi Sam Rotenberg fills in. Both leaders bring kavanah and chesed to the familiar morning prayers. This minyan has helped me to mourn my mother and to confront each day of the pandemic with optimism.

I write this love letter to the Jewish tradition with gratitude to all who have helped me get through mourning for both my parents. In 2007, when we were attending minyanim in person, I went to many different synagogues in San Diego and New York. Back then, my main morning minyan was a lay-led service at the Jacobs Health Center near San Diego State. The regulars were a welcoming crew, especially on Sunday when there were lox and bagels and some “schnapps.” Also warm and welcoming were the regulars at Ohr Shalom’s afternoon minyan. Rabbi Scott Meltzer always makes me feel at home there.

From time to time I attended services at San Diego’s Orthodox shuls, Beth Jacob and Adat Yeshurun. I am grateful to our Orthodox brethren for being present consistently and for the steadfastness of their commitments. Thank you.

And then there is Chabad. Early in mourning for my father I went to a Mincha/Maariv service at Chabad in University City. When I arrived that afternoon, I received a warm hello from Rabbi Moishe Leider whom I knew years earlier from my work in TV news. Without missing a beat, Rabbi Leider greeted me by name as if I had seen him yesterday when, in fact, it had been years. It was just the right touch for a new mourner who was not a member of his shul.

When I was a teenager in New York my grandmother died. I remember my father leaving early one morning shortly after her funeral to say Kaddish at our local synagogue. He explained that it was an 11-month commitment. I remember thinking, I hope my parents don’t die because I am not sure I could do it. I was blessed to have a dad who lived to 89 and a mom who lived to 97. When the time came, saying Kaddish was not a burden but a gift. And in the time of pandemic, connecting on-line is a gift too.

*
Irv Kass worked as a TV news producer and executive for 25 years, including a stretch from 1989 to 1998 at KNSD NBC 7, where he started as managing editor and rose to vice president and news director. He worked the next 15 years as a media and organizational leadership consultant with clients in San Diego and other parts of the USA. He retired in 2015.