By Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — I have been receiving barks on my Litter feed wondering why I haven’t written a column for over a month. Aside from fetching balls, rolling over, sleeping, and walking, I have been busy organizing this week’s Zoom convention for the DEMs (Dogs Elect Mensch). From my earliest columns I have expressed my distrust for the Golden Deceiver, a man with the temperament of a Tasmanian devil and the intelligence of an invertebrate. How could he empathize with the plight of people when he never has owned one of man’s best friends? Dogs always understood the real meaning of MAGA, Make America Growl Again.
Zoom has made itself dog friendly for our virtual gathering. Instead of boxes, each dog delegate appears in the opening to a dog house. The mute button automatically goes on whenever a dog barks while another is howling. I hope some dogs don’t misread that button as “mutt.” Sure, it is not as intimate as getting together in a dog park, but much as we have tried, bandanas slip off our snouts too easily. Plus we worry about being endangered by irresponsible humans who don’t have a valid excuse for not wearing masks.
Although we realize that we aren’t allowed to vote, our platform outlines the things we can do to assure the election of a mensch. After all, Joe Biden adopted a shelter dog, and, all of us canines look forward to the day when Major becomes the First Dog. First of all, we have asked members of our species to observe a moratorium on biting mail carriers until the election is over. We do make an exception for attacking Louis DeJoy whose real surname is DeMon. Second, over the past four years, we have hidden newspapers from our owners by burying them. Now we plan to dig up and deliver the ones with stories reminding them about the Golden Deceiver’s corruption, cruelty, and mendacity. Much as we want to be inclusive as possible, we are not permitting Russian Wolfhounds to participate in our campaign activities. Finally, if we notice that our owners haven’t voted before November 3rd, we will scratch at their doors until they take us for a walk. While strolling around, we will lead them to the nearest polling places. We hope they will take the hint, but you know the old saying, “You can lead a human to the voting booth, but you can’t make them think.”
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.