Is your appearance helping or hurting you? – social engineering and modern modesty
SAN DIEGO — As a Jewish young professional new to town, I have the chance to reinvent myself. New cities bring new beginnings. Like many women, I have a love-hate relationship with my closet. Stuffed to the brim with tops, bottoms, dresses, and more, I am often faced with a host of options juxtaposing the infamous “I have nothing to wear” syndrome. With so many pieces to coordinate for outfits—combined with being in a new place—I began to wonder what type of image I wanted to project.
These thoughts got me thinking about Jewish dress and tzniut (Jewish modest dress). Of course, it is respectful to cover up more at synagogue, but how does that impact my style? Do I switch back and forth between a conservative sack of a dress and a trendy city look when going from shul to the mall? What about Jewish young adult events that are less formal and have no rabbi? How do I dress then?
At some point in my quest for personal style, I came across some news about Meghan Markle. A Los Angeles movie star turned royal, this woman married a prince of England. While she is not Jewish and does not claim any religiosity, I noticed in that moment how she fulfilled tzniut while looking like a million bucks. Without any hint of frump, her outfits were modest. Markle made dresses and skirts look fabulous and she covered up her body while still looking amazing. I realized that I thought highly of this woman and looked up to her without even knowing much about her. I understood how dress could impact how others perceive us in the world.
It would be naive to think that appearance does not affect how one is perceived. It may not seem right or fair, but it is how the world operates. No matter my religion, if I walk around in a hijab, many people will assume I am Muslim. No matter my occupation, if I walk around in a white coat with a stethoscope, many people will assume I am a doctor. No matter my marital status, if I walk around with a big diamond on my left ring finger, many people will assume I am married.
How one looks can affect level of success in life, as well as assumed levels of intelligence, or lack thereof [1]. No matter how educated, experienced, or qualified I am for a job, if I show up to an interview in pajamas, I am likely not going to get the position. No matter how many good qualities I may have for being a wife and mom, my chances of attracting a husband will go down drastically if I am overweight [2]. While it’s said that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, that oftentimes does not play out in real life. Noting human psychology thousands of years ago, even the Bible says, “People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).
Then there are societal norms. The degree to which one feels out of place will depend on environment. Someone wearing a ballgown would feel very out of place at a swimming pool, just as someone wearing a Halloween costume would feel very out of place at a funeral. The key is to stay within cultural norms while “dressing up” so to speak. This looks different in different communities. A successful businesswoman in Ireland, for example, would dress very differently compared to a successful businesswoman in Ghana. The level of class and sophistication will be the same, but the particulars of the outfit will differ. In the workplace, it is often said that one should dress for the position they want. In life, I say dress for the person you want to be.
There is a reason why British royalty and even American first ladies dress a certain way. You’d be hard pressed to find a recent photo of Meghan Markle or Michelle Obama in a mini skirt or with an extremely low cut top or in a skin-tight outfit. They may have dressed differently in the past, but once they became royal / presidential, they changed their look. Such women dress fashionably yet not seductively. They look healthy, fit, and well put together.
When it comes to modesty, conservative looks appear more professional, smart, and classy [3]. Note that if one is modest while not fashionable, that can also hurt their public perception. There is a way to dress conservatively that looks stylish…and there is a way to dress conservatively that looks like a brainwashed religious fanatic (I’ll let you conjure up your own mental images there!). How you dress is up to you. Who do you want to be and how do you want to steer public opinion of you in your favor while still staying true to your values?
A simple pencil skirt and blouse can look professional yet fashionable. Appropriate for the workplace and even synagogue, this classic outfit is modest without screaming “religious.” Other examples include pairing a sleeveless midi dress with a denim jacket or wearing a sweater with a khaki skirt. Functional, fashionable, and modest, there are so many outfit options for women. One does not have to wear a floor-length black shapeless skirt with an oversized short-sleeved short layered over a white long sleeve shirt to be modest. There are ways to dress modestly but also with style and flair.
There are two exercises to illustrate the main point. The first one is to list 5 qualities that you aspire to and then sketch some drawings of what you think people who embody those qualities look like in real life. The second one is to wear 5 different outfit styles out in public and journal how you are treated differently in each. While this note was written towards women, the main ideas apply to men, as well. What type of man do you want to be perceived as? Do people treat you differently when you wear a suit vs basketball shorts [4]? Feel free to do the exercises, as well, and share your thoughts.
NOTES
1. Johnson, Kim. “Dress, body and self: research in the social psychology of dress”. Fashion and Textiles (22 Nov 2014). https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40691-014-0020-7
2. Fottrell, Quentin. “Rich women like rich men, and rich men like slender women”. Market Watch (23 May 2016). https://www.marketwatch.com/story/rich-women-like-rich-men-and-rich-men-like-slender-women-2015-09-28
3. Fletcher, Ben C. “What Your Clothes Might Be Saying About You.” Psychology Today (20 Apr 2013). https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/do-something-different/201304/what-your-clothes-might-be-saying-about-you
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Teresa Konopka is a freelance writer.
well written and thought provoking. thank you