LOUISVILLE, Kentucky — Call me Orca.
I’ve got a whale of a story to tell.
You know the story of Jonah and the whale, right?
Wrong. You only think you do: A big, ugly whale swallows Jonah, who spends days in the whale’s belly, before God releases Jonah from captivity and the whale exits, stage right.
You’ve seen drawings of an evil, ugly or just plain dumb whale, trying his best to turn Jonah into lunch meat. All that’s missing is a tattoo, maybe “Born to Swallow People,” “Mammal Without a Cause,” or “I ‘8’ Jonah.”
Well, I am that whale, and let me say this: My mother of blessed memory would never have allowed me to get a tattoo or torture a child of God. She brought me up right: no hanging out with sharks, no inappropriate blow hole blasts, no playing chicken by swimming close to shore.
It might interest you to know that whales have the largest brains in the animal kingdom. And, they have been shown to exhibit something called “empathy.” (The fancy term is “emotional intelligence.”) That means whales care about the feelings of others. Raise your hands if you know any humans who are missing that trait. I rest my case.
Conclusion: “Jonah and the Whale” is pure blubber, just a red herring, so to speak. If you believe “Jonah and the Whale,” I’ve got a used ark to sell you, and I’ll throw in a couple of unicorns.
You’ve heard only one side of the story – Jonah’s side. So, why do you believe Jonah, a guy who (1) disobeys the Lord, (2) runs away, and (3) lectures the Lord about getting tougher. (Notice he didn’t think the Lord should toughen up when the Lord was forgiving him.) I don’t want to throw seaweed on Jonah’s character – God forbid.
I’ll just leave you with one word: Check his police files.
I know: That’s more than one word. So sue me. I’m a whale, not an accountant.
You may be wondering: Why does this whale care how he’s portrayed? “Get over it,” you’re thinking, right?
My answer: It’s easy for you to say, “Get over it.” Ever been fingered as the villain when you know you’re really a good guy? Ever hear a story where the whale is a good guy? (“Free Willy” doesn’t count. What a nerd.)
Where were we? Oh, yeah, The Big Bad Whale. Think Pinocchio. Think Moby Dick. Think “Orca, the Killer Whale.” (“Orca” means “Bringer of death.” Enough said?)
Whales get a bum deal, and we’d sue if we knew who to sue. Ahab is dead. Melville is dead. “Pinocchio” surely is dead by now (reportedly eaten by termites).
Back to me. For years now, I have swallowed hard and accepted my fate as the designated bad guy. It started all the way back in elementary school, where I wasn’t even allowed to attend. Yeah, schools are for fish, so sharks and barracudas get to wander the oceans without even a hall pass, but no mammals. And you wonder why whales are endangered.
My agent got me auditions for two different animal movies, but no one would touch me because of my bad guy rep. Remember Dumbo? They wanted a big lovable flying animal. So who got it? Dumbo. Dumbo, the Dumb Elephant. Dumbo, the Dumb Elephant who can’t fly. (Neither can I, but at least I swim.)
Next they wanted a big, lovable animal for a musical comedy. My agent pitched me for that, too. So, guess who they pick: Shrek. An ogre. Imagine what that did to my self-esteem, losing out to an ogre. They did offer me the part of Bambi’s mom in a musical revival; remember how that turned out for her?
Me, I’m stuck with canned tuna commercials.
I gotta set the record straight. So here’s the real story of Jonah and Me.
The first part is pretty much true. The Lord asks Jonah to tell the people of Ninevah to change their evil ways within 40 days or face the Lord’s wrath. (What’s with this “40” thing, anyway? First Noah, then Jonah. And didn’t Moses spend 40 years in the desert? The Lord’s got some issues, I’d say.)
Jonah decides the Lord is too soft to really punish the Ninevians, so why should he, Jonah, stick his neck out and warn them.
Instead, Jonah bolts for Spain.
Here’s where it gets dicey. According to the Bible, The Lord finds Jonah hidden away on a ship to Tarshish in Spain and sends a big storm to punish him. The crew finds out Jonah is causing the storm, so they toss him overboard to save their own skins. Jonah gets swallowed by yours truly and spends three miserable days in my belly. Jonah repents and The Lord makes me spit him out. Jonah goes to Ninevah and convinces the Bad Ninevians to become Good Ninevians, and everyone lives happily ever after.
Everyone but me, that is. Now, the “swallowed by a whale” part is true, as far as that goes. But, I happen to be the whale in question, and I happen to get stuck with the label of “Instrument of The Lord’s wrath” – a label I’ve never been able to live down. (“Hey, Sid. We need an instrument of the Lord’s wrath; See if Orca is available.”)
So now, whenever I apply for a job, they check my rap sheet and see that I swallowed and tortured a prophet. Try to get a job with that albatross hanging around your neck. (Albatross: another animal that got a bum rap.)
So here’s the real story. I saw Jonah floating in the turbulent sea – and it really was a perfect storm – (another movie I couldn’t get a role in), so I rescued him. Swallowing him wasn’t even my idea. Don’t take my word for it. Read your Bible: “And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah.” Get that: It was the Lord’s idea, and I am, quote, “a great fish.” (Never mind I’m a mammal. What did they know from mammals back then.)
Then there’s the three wretched days in my belly. Wretched, my fin. What did they expect: cable TV and a continental breakfast? I gave him dry clothes and seaweed.
So what do I get in return? Bupkis. No tip, not so much as a thank-you.
According to the Bible, Jonah cleaned up his act and made nice with God. He went to Ninevah and did what he was supposed to do; make the Ninevians make nice. They did, and the Lord let them off the hook. (Off the hook? Ouch!)
So what did Jonah do? He belly-ached to God for going too easy on the Ninevians, and God claimed to pity them because they were, and I quote, “more than a hundred twenty thousand persons who do not know their right hand from their left, and also much cattle.” Does God ever ask how I am? You know the answer.
I have no idea whether Jonah lived happily ever after. Frankly, I don’t care. They made him an official “prophet” and named a chapter in the Bible after him. I’ll bet someone, somewhere is writing a movie script. I can see it now: They cast Jonah as police chief in a small New England town, and the town gets attacked by . . . you guessed it . . . a killer whale.
They could call it “Blow Hard.” I can hear the heart-thumping music already.
So, what’s the moral of my story? Try this on for size: Be careful what you swallow, and make sure to chew.
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Michael Ginsberg is a retired professor of literature and a freelance writer.