“You know, putting a national lockdown, stay-at-home orders, is like house arrest. It’s — you know, other than slavery, which was a different kind of restraint, this is the greatest intrusion on civil liberties in American history,” –Bill Barr, September 16, 2020
Bill Barr’s ‘Autobiography’
SAN DIEGO — If Attorney General Bill Barr ever writes his autobiography, it might go something like this:
“I was born a free man in 1950 and have lived my life as one in a Washington suburb located in Virginia until March 2020. Then the Democrat slave master Ralph Northam decreed that I was a covid captive to be confined in my house. My spacious home increasingly felt like the cramped quarters where slaves resided. Yes, I have a big screen television to entertain me, but slaves had minstrel shows to do the same. Although I am spared wearing shackles on my legs, the piece of cloth wrapped around my face makes it hard for me to breathe like George Floyd and muzzles my free speech. Even worse, it is made of cotton to remind me of the hardships my slave predecessors endured. In the past I could wash my hands when and how I wanted. Now I am commanded to wash often, between my fingers, and for at least twenty seconds. Slaves could attend gatherings where they were sold or forced to watch fellow slaves lynched or whipped, but I am banned from going to baseball games, church services, and restaurants where there are more than 10 people.
“The oppression I have endured is bearable only because I am certain that on November 3rd, Donald Trump will be reelected after I invalidate all mail in ballots. On that glorious day, he will issue an emancipation proclamation from the tyranny of Antifa, the anarchists, Black Lives Matter, the communists, the Deep State, the radical dems, scientists run amok, and their dupe Joe Biden who would install surveillance cameras in our homes to make sure we stay six feet away from our children and spouses if he became president. Free at last, free at last! Thank Q; we will be free at last!”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.
Oh, this is brilliant! Thank you for making my day.