By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Dissuaded from wearing a superman costume underneath his clothes after his release from the hospital, Donald Trump has been itching to demonstrate that he is the man of steel who beat Covid-19. When he realized suburban white women no longer loved him, he decided he could kill two birds with one stone by redecorating the White House as a haunted house and hosting it in his costume the week of Halloween under the assumption that those housewives would flock there with their kids.
It will be a different kind of Halloween event. Masks will be prohibited. Young white girls are encouraged to wear various monster costumes and come in black face to look like Kamala Harris. White boys are encouraged to roll in on wheel chairs as wrinkled old men who look like Joe Biden.
After going into the darkened White House, the children will pass through a labyrinth of rooms accompanied by the President. In the first Steven Miller is hanging from the rafters like a bat and Wilbur Ross plays a zombie without using any makeup. Of course, Miller might think Trump really is superman and block his entry because the man of steel entered the United States illegally from another planet.
In the second room large pink balloons covered with red spikes will be floating in the air. Trump will wade through the balloons puncturing them with a giant hypodermic marked Regeneron. To prove he and his staff are immune from Covid, the next room will contain vats of punch with apples floating atop the liquid. All the Trumps and aides infected by the virus will bob for the apples. Then the kids will drink the punch.
Amy Coney Barrett will host the fourth room which features animated fetuses carrying right to life placards. The fifth houses a model suburb overrun by Antifa and Black Lives Matter terrorists. Bill Barr will be dressed as a sheriff and arrest them.
The sixth room is a dungeon where Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Joe Biden are in shackles. As the kids exit, they will be handed bags of candy and warned not to stick their hands into the bags until they pass a gauntlet of heavily armed police who have orders to shoot and kill them if they do not heed the warning. Rumor has it that the only thing scarier than the Trump Haunted House will be how he behaves if he loses the election.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.