SAN DIEGO — Through the miracle of artificial intelligence, I have been able to conduct an interview with Vincent Corona Virus (CV for short) and have his DNA sequences translated into English.
LB: Since it appears that the pandemic has become a pivotal issue in the presidential campaign, I wondered which candidate you endorse.
CV: Trump’s my main man. Nobody has done more to spread misinformation and me in the United States than him.
LB: Could you elaborate on that?
CV: When he downplayed the severity of the illness to not panic the public, I loved it. I didn’t want the public to avoid crowds, social distance, stay at home, and wear masks either. I counted on him being more concerned about the economy and his reelection than he was about the health of the nation. If only most churches had heeded him at Easter, the country might be up to 200,000 cases a day and the death toll would be 500,000 today.
LB: Did you ever think of being more lenient on Americans and changing Trump’s mind?
CV: Well, I did make a wager with the flu who believed Trump would alter his course if he contracted me. I was confident that he was so pigheaded that he wouldn’t learn anything even if I infected Melania and Barron. Of course, I won. I admired how quickly he returned to doing rallies with unmasked mobs shouting “lock them up” while viral vectors hitched rides on the saliva they were spewing. I only wished that he had held more of these gatherings indoors so I could replicate my Tulsa triumph. The escalating numbers of new cases and deaths, however, speak for themselves.
LB: But President Trump says we’re rounding the corner on the pandemic.
CV: Ha, it’s more like bodies are surrounding the coroner!
LB: Are you worried that Biden might win and your days will be numbered?
CV: Trump is doing everything to prevent that. After all, the longer folks have to stand in lines to vote or leave home to bring their ballots to drop box locations, the greater the chance they’ll come in contact with someone shedding me. All I have left to say is, “Four More Years!”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.