SAN DIEGO — As a young professional transplant and traveler who has lived in various cities, I am constantly on the lookout for new connections and friends. Passionate about all flavors of my Judaism, I often seek out Jewish groups of various denominations. In that exploration, I have come across a sad realization, which is this—in more Orthodox settings, not everyone is treated the same.
I’ve lost count of how many people have asked me when visiting a new synagogue the very awkward question of “are you Jewish?” or worse “is your mother Jewish?” While I am fortunate to have been raised in a Conservative home and pass the proverbial test, I do sympathize with those who do not. If someone has decided to hold fast to HaShem, what should it matter who their parents were?
“The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers; every man shall be put to death for his own sin” (from Deuteronomy 24).
Then there comes the topic of conversion. Typically, Orthodox Jews do not consider non-Orthodox conversions as legitimate. In other words, if someone converts to Judaism through a Reform or Conservative rabbi, they are often not seen as true converts. Halakha aside, this perplexes me. How is it that someone with zero interest in Judaism , but who has a Jewish mother, could be considered more Jewish than people who choose Judaism for themselves?
Additionally, I can’t even begin to know everyone’s story. Perhaps there are people who wanted to convert Orthodox but simply didn’t have the opportunity to. Depending on where someone finds a job, they don’t always have the luxury of being near an Orthodox shul. Is them walking to a Reform synagogue on Shabbos and converting via a Reform rabbi so bad? Or maybe the convert simply does not identify with Orthodoxy and prefers a more liberal Judaism—are they still less Jewish than someone who was born Jewish but has no connection to the religion?
Questions and sentiments like these are not new to the timeline of our people. Jews-by-choice thousands of years ago felt the social distance. Some even lost hope that they would ever be able to successfully assimilate into our tribe.
“Don’t let foreigners who commit themselves to the LORD say,
‘The LORD will never let me be part of his people’” (from Isaiah 56)
By vulnerably exposing who they are, Jews-by-choice can be treated as “less than.” Depending on the community, this can look like being excluded from events to being given shidduchim that are upwards of twenty years their senior. It is for this reason that I think King David’s non-Jewish great grandmother was shocked when a Jew treated her favorably.
“At this, she [Ruth] fell on her face, bowing low to the ground, and said to him [Boaz], ‘Why have I found such favor in your eyes that you should take notice of me, even though I am a foreigner?’” (from Ruth 2).
Knowing that Jews-by-choice have been discriminated both in ancient times and in modern day, perhaps some hide their true identities. Why would someone not disclose their background? I believe the answer is found in our Purim tale.
“Esther had not told anyone of her nationality and family background, because Mordecai had directed her not to do so” (from Esther 2).
In the case of Queen Esther, she purposely disguised her true identity for fear of being treated differently. While her story is more extreme (it deals with genocide), I have no doubt that there are many “Esthers” in our communities. To gain acceptance, it may be easier to keep certain parts of one’s identity secret. Perhaps even G-d keeps part of Himself secret.
“When you did these things and I kept silent, you thought I was exactly like you” (from Psalm 50).
Keeping silent and intentionally not disclosing too much information about oneself can actually work in one’s favor when it comes to fitting in. As an example, if a Democrat goes to a Republican convention or vice-versa, most people will assume the person is of that party affiliation as long as they smile and keep quiet. Going back to the Queen Esther example, Esther may not have denounced anyone of Jewish descent—perhaps she just kept silent while others assumed she was a Gentile.
“So those who are smart keep their mouths shut” (Amos 5).
I have heard stories of people who totally shocked their congregations when they finally “out” themselves as Jews-by-choice. In the “don’t ask don’t tell” culture coupled with people not speaking too much about themselves, months or even years can go by before knowing that a member of a congregation is a convert (Orthodox or not). This can come when they abstain from a certain honor during services. It can come when asked why shidduchim with a Kohen does not work out; in the most religious denominations, Kohens do not even marry Orthodox converts. Whatever the reason, the reaction is usually one of surprise.
Going back to G-d, there are various encounters with the divine throughout the Tanakh. When people entertained the angel of the LORD, they were often unaware until some grand gesture was performed. This was usually a miracle or acceptance of sacrifice via fire, as in the case of Samson’s parents.
“‘I will stay,’ the angel of the LORD said. ‘Prepare a burnt offering as a sacrifice to the LORD.’ (Manoah didn’t realize it was the angel of the LORD.) Then Manoah took a young goat and a grain offering and offered it on a rock as a sacrifice to the LORD. And as Manoah and his wife watched, the LORD did an amazing thing. As the flames from the altar shot up toward the sky, the angel of the LORD ascended in the fire. When Manoah and his wife saw this, they fell with their faces to the ground” (from Judges 13).
Regardless of how one views Jews-by-choice or converts, it is fascinating to think that they may be concealing their identities for the same reason the angel of the LORD concealed his identity. Maybe they know they will be more accepted when we assume they are like us. While the angel of the LORD left after revealing his true identity, hopefully our culture around Jews-by-choice will improve such that they will not leave when their identities are revealed.
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Teresa Konopka is a freelance writer based in San Diego.