SAN DIEGO — I can just imagine …
Executive Order # (I’ve lost count)
The people of America worship me for beating Covid19 with Operation Warp Speed guaranteeing the production in the near future of effective vaccines with only 250,000 dead. Jared tells that statistic is bupkes. Although I don’t know what this has to do with the former football coach of the Chicago Bears, I believe him. Besides, I’m a billionaire who doesn’t take increments in the hundreds of thousands seriously. Given my A+ rating by the BBB (Benign Bigots Bureau), there is no way voters didn’t reelect me. Thus, I order that all calendars be confiscated on January 19, 2021 and that the ones from 2020 continue in effect for the next four years. Of course, this will only be necessary if all my lawsuits to recognize my victory fail. In the interim, I order that:
–The Electoral College rename itself Trump University and make the president of the school and the United States the same person to eliminate administrative duplication.
–AMC broadcast a series called The Voting Dead and categorize it as a news program.
–Scan all ballots cast for Biden for invisible ink messages with secret messages about where and when the next child molestation and baby eating orgies will be held. As the chosen agent of Q, I order that these ballots be invalidated to prevent Antifa, bankers, Democrats, Jews, and people of color from carrying out their dastardly plot.
–The Department of Justice prepare a list of all illegal aliens over the age of 18 residing in the United States and subtract the total number of them from the number of votes cast for Biden. We didn’t rectify this problem in 2016, but now we will.
–Members of state election commissions which have certified results indicating Biden won must meet weekly with Rudy Giuliani and Lindsey Graham until they beg for mercy and certify the results for Trump.
–While these measures are being implemented, no government agency can have contact with the President Deselect Biden enabling me to fulfil my latest campaign slogan: “Make America Late Again.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.