Satire: Donald Trump, Contrite and Conciliatory

By Laurie Baron

Lawrence Baron

SAN DIEGO — A day after the storming of the Capitol, Donald Trump finally issued a statement condemning it: “We have just been through an intense election, and emotions are high, but now tempers must be cooled, and calm restored. To those who engaged in the acts of violence and destruction, you do not represent our country. And to those who broke the law, you will pay.” His sincerity can’t be doubted since he has made it clear that the people attending the Stop the Steal rally were:

–“Fine people” like most of the demonstrators in Charlottesville.

–Drawn from the ranks of the police, military, and Bikers who are tough and capable of “very bad things” if pushed too far.

–Merely “liberating” the capital like the armed patriots who stormed the Michigan Capitol to protest Covid-19 restrictions.

–Proud Boys just standing down and standing by.

–Gathering in Washington for a “wild,” but obviously peaceful event.

–Not acting emotionally because Trump tried to calm them down by urging them to never concede “when there’s theft involved” and to “fight like Hell” or lose their country.

–“Special” people whom Trump loves. Such saints could never be incited to violence even when repeatedly reminded that his “landside election” had been stolen and fraudulent.

–To prove that he never intended to instigate a riot, Trump has redefined the acronym MAGA to stand for the first two letters in the first name and surname of Mahatma Gandhi. He anticipates that next year he’ll receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his role in pacifying the mob that occupied the Capitol rectifying how he was unfairly snubbed for the award for his role in denuclearizing North Korea.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.