SAN DIEGO — CPAC is holding its annual meeting in Orlando this weekend. Although the meeting could be confused with Fantasy Land, delegates are encouraged to visit nearby Walt Disney attractions reconfigured to cater to these conservatives. Here’s a sampling of the most popular rides for this occasion.
Seven Dwarfs Mine Train: Potential candidates for Secretary of Energy and the Department of Labor in Trump’s second term are flocking to the Seven Dwarfs mine. They may not be able to meet all of the dwarfs because several of them have been hospitalized for black lung, but they can learn from a Trump video how to mock them and pay them starvation wages. At the end of the ride, the ownership of the mine is handed over to the Electrical Reliability Council of Texas.
Hall of Legitimate Presidents: Some of popular audio-animatronics figures of past presidents have been removed and replaced by more historically accurate figures. Franklin Roosevelt is featured reading The Communist Manifesto and Obama is wearing a dashiki, waving a forged birth certificate, and reciting Islamic prayers. Joe Biden is locked in a prison cell outside the main hall, convicted of stealing the 2020 election.
Pirates of Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin: In this interactive display, delegates search for buried treasure chests overflowing with ballots marked Trump. When they find them, the governors and secretaries of state of those states walk the plank.
Star Wars: The Dark Star Squelches the Resistance: Even though Darth Vader’s armor is black, he is white once his armor is removed. His Starfighters relentless pursue fleets of women in pussy hats, Black Lives Matter protesters, and ANTIFA anarchists. The final battle occurs as the Proud Boys and QAnon pilots storm the Capitol in search of Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi.
Kilimanjaro Safari: Led by Donald Trump Jr. and his brother Eric, the participants hunt the most endangered animal species with bazookas. This ride spares the participants from having to travel to a country where they might contract Ebola.
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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. Everything in this column is satire and should not be taken literally.