By Natasha Josefowitz, ACSW, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — In any communication between two people, each one evaluates, accepts, rejects, classifies, or assimilates what the other is saying. We all have a tendency to hear what pleases us, or what we think the other will say, preoccupied as we are by our own response—we often don’t really listen.
One of the pleasures of conversation is to talk about oneself, each believing that the other is fascinated by the tale. We love an audience.
There are times when a friend has a problem and rather than listen and then respond with a “me too, I had the same problem,” and go on to a recitation, we can try to help. Being really useful takes the following steps into account:
- First, you should encourage the friend to state the problem with no interruptions, but possibly with head nodding, “Uh huh,” “I see,” or “I understand.”
- Second, you ask open-ended questions to clarify your understanding. What do you mean by…? Tell me more about…. What do you make of it? Why do you think it happened? What part might you have played in it? Have you thought of a solution? Have you talked to anyone else about the problem? If so, what were the results?
- Third, ask how the problem has affected others in your friend’s family or workplace, and what some of the reactions have been.
- Fourth, if something your friend has said makes no sense or was repeated several times or seems out of context, trust yourself and ask for a clarification. Also pay attention to changes of affect—some troubling things are said with no emotion, while other, seemingly more mundane things, elicit a lot of feeling.
- Fifth, generally, one can question what has precipitated the problem, what makes it endure, does anyone benefit by this problem continuing, what does your friend need now, could do more of, less of, stop or start? Are there obstacles to resolving it? Are there resources available one can tap into?
- Finally, there is the question of what is called “secondary gain.” Is there an unconscious benefit to prolonging the problem and keeping it unresolved? This may reveal itself if the person says, “Yes, but…” at each suggestion with a refusal of accepting any help.
One technique that may help someone who is struggling to understand what went wrong in a relationship is role playing. Have your friend be the person who is perceived as the problem, and you play your friend, then have a dialogue in your new roles. Often some clarification on attitudes can result from this interaction, helping to understand motives and hidden agendas.
The Gestalt method uses a form of therapy called the “empty chair.” If your friend has a problem with another person, tell your friend to talk to the empty chair as if that person was sitting there. This can be cathartic. It can even help someone to talk to a dead person and say the things they had wanted to say while the person was alive, but did not have the chance to do, often a parent with whom one has an unresolved issue.
Some of the problems that all helping people face are their own prejudices and preconceived ideas. Being non-judgmental while listening is difficult. You are there to resolve, not to criticize or control. Getting in touch with your own prejudices, your own preferred way of doing things, your impatience with the lack of understanding with what may seem obvious to you, your disapproval of some dysfunctional behavior exhibited by your friend, all come into play unconsciously unless you make the effort of uncovering what motivates you and controls your behavior. A good strategy is reiterating what the friend said to be sure you understand exactly what was meant.
Occasionally when a lot of emotions are expressed, it may just help to hold your friend’s hand, if appropriate. Human touch has been known to calm and reassure in ways no words can. Even sitting in silence together can be beneficial. Do not underestimate your own gut feelings as to what your next move should be. Trust your own sense of what is needed and would be helpful.
However, first and foremost, you need to just be there for your friend, sympathetic and available. Sometimes all that is needed is to talk and have someone listen with interest and compassion.
© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com