By Laurie Baron, Ph.D
SAN DIEGO — Like most Martians, I live beneath the planet because it is too hot or cold. When I occasionally venture up to the top to catch some sun or see the stars, I have been angered by how littered the landscape has become with metal vehicles from earth which are collecting samples of our soil and rocks or hovering above the surface. Since most of them bear the insignia of a place called the USA, I’ve decided to lodge a complaint with its leader.
After intercepting earth telecommunications I’m uncertain about who the leader of the USA is. There’s two men, Trump and Biden, who claim they are its president. Listening to their speeches, I think it must be Trump. He sounds so authoritative. While I’m worried about confronting him because he repeatedly declares he hates aliens, I feel he might be receptive to my request. After all, he lives in Mars-A-Lago and looks like he’s wearing a space helmet on his head. Just to be sure, I’m wearing my MAGA hat. I believe it stands for Mars Against Galactic Attackers, a sentiment his followers apparently share.
Descending from space to earth, I notice that parts of it are so hot they’re burning. I had heard that it had a more temperate climate than Mars, but maybe I was wrong. Upon landing, I take a deep breath of what is supposed to be clean air but cough from particles suspended in it. I know humans consider Mars inhabitable, but maybe they are interested in exploring my home with the aim of moving there in the future to escape the heat and pollution.
When I arrive at Mars-A-Lago sporting my MAGA hat, I am welcomed. Even though I am only being there with green skin, I don’t feel uncomfortable because Trump’s skin is orange. Before I can demand that Trump stop sending spaceships to Mars, he asks me if I’m a representative of the company he plans to hire to conduct a recount of the Pennsylvania presidential vote.
I tell him no and introduce myself as the envoy from the red planet. He’s impressed and adds that if he had his way, all states, countries, and planets would be red. I clarify my introduction by noting I’m from Mars. He reminds me that he created the Space Force because he hoped to annex Mars. He assumes if all Martians wear MAGA hats like me, they’ll vote for him offsetting the growing number of American voters of colors other than green. In return for delivering those votes, he promises me a share in the Trump Tower on Mars whose first guests will be billionaires traveling there in their own rockets. I’m led out of the door by his bodyguards before I have a chance to raise the issue of the American spacecraft on Mars.
Perhaps I should have spoken to Biden. From the reports I’ve read, he doesn’t mind withdrawing American equipment from foreign territories.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.