By Natasha Josefowitz, ACSW, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — It starts in the morning. Voice 1: “Get up!” Voice 2: “I’m still sleepy.” Voice 1, impatiently: “You’ll be late for work!” Voice 2, pleading: “Five more minutes.”
It goes on at breakfast. Voice 1: “Cereal and fruit!” Voice 2: “There’s a doughnut left in the fridge.” Voice 1: “It’s all fat and sugar!” Voice 2: “Just this once.”
And so the voices continue throughout the day with every decision we have to make—from “Shall I walk up the three flights to my office or take the elevator?” to “Shall I criticize my colleague’s report or let it go?”
We all have many voices that send us very different messages—there is a worrier voice that always says, “Be nice, don’t make trouble,” another that tells you to have fun and forget about the consequences, and an often loud one that is always ready to criticize: “You shouldn’t have, you’re stupid, you haven’t tried hard enough, it is not good enough,” etc.
It is important for all of us to identify the different voices in our heads so that we can decide which ones to listen to and when and which ones are too critical, too inflammatory, or too protective. Among all the static, there is a self, an inner core, a decision maker, who decides which voices will be listened to and which will be told to shut up. When facing a decision, ask yourself which voice of yours seems to be loudest, and then pay attention to the other ones too.
The voices sometimes do not get heard in time—like when we lose our temper and then regret it, the rational voice too soft to stop us, overshadowed by the stronger voice of emotion. Generally, the emotional voices are louder than the voices of reason. Emotions flood us, we react impulsively, unable to lower the volume of the hurt, the anger, the frustration. Remember the advice of counting to ten before responding? It is to give time for the emotional voice to quiet down and allow the rational one to be heard.
It is the emotional voice that gets us into trouble, yet it is a voice that needs to be taken into account. It gives us clues as to what is going on within. People who have shut down their emotional voices cannot connect to these voices in others and thus may be missing important information as to the emotional climate around them. People who have dimmed their voice of reason are prone to the seesaws of their feelings, buffeted by both the ill winds and the soft breezes of emotional ups and downs.
If you watch and listen to people, you will be able to figure out which voices control them and you will be able to better predict their behaviors. Knowing this will also help you find the best ways to communicate with them and respond to their predominant ways of thinking.
During the pandemic our inner voices have been amplified because they were not privy to other’s thoughts and responses. The reality checks were missing. It is more important than ever to monitor what our inner voices are saying to us, the constant inner chatter of our minds. We need to listen to what messages we are receiving.
There are techniques to modify the negative self-talk and substitute them with more positive mantras (also known as affirmations): “I am basically a good person with good intentions.” “I like myself unconditionally.” “I am not my mistakes.” “I err because I am human. “If I can forgive others, I can forgive myself.”
You can make up a list of your own affirmations such as: “I am doing the best I can under the current circumstances.” You can also pat yourself on the back: “I have done a great job; I was really helpful.”
Many of our voices stem from early parental ones, the ones that criticized us and made us feel bad. Be careful to identify whose voices still denigrate you. Be weary that early negative messages can become self-fulfilling prophecies. If a parental voice chided you for being lazy, you may still believe this believe about yourself, not withstanding contrary behavior?
If you can figure out what the voices in your head are trying to accomplish, you’ll never again say, “I don’t understand why I did (said) that.” You’ll be able to blame that mischievous inner voice of yours.
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© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com