Satire: Corporate Industry to the Rescue

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — Although many countries at the COP26 Climate Summit concur that the world must address the threat posed by global warming, none seem willing to immediately adopt radical measures to deal with it sufficiently.

At the COP-26 (Conspiracy of Polluters), big corporations have proposed their own solutions.

Since Elon Musk is aware that many consumers are reluctant to switch to electrical cars due to the time it takes to recharge batteries and the dearth of charging stations, Tesla has begun manufacturing extension cords that are 1,000 miles long. If this doesn’t clean the atmosphere, SpaceX will transfer the world’s population, or at least those who can afford a ticket, to other planets.

Mark Zuckerberg believes climate change does not occur in the Metaverse. Facebook will sell everyone an Oculus because there are no droughts, hurricanes, rising sea levels, or wildfires in virtual reality.

Coca Cola has developed a technology to remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and pump it into the waters of the oceans along with flavoring to carbonate and bottle. It also has launched an underwater advertising campaign to convince all sea creatures that things go better with Coke.

Beano has offered to supply dairy and meat farmers with its pills to reduce the amount of methane flatulence released by cows and pigs.

The major airlines plan to introduce glider service for short flights. To lessen the energy needed to fuel its planes, Spirit is removing airplane seats, lining passenger compartments with Velcro to attach to the Velcro jackets worn by passengers, and firing all personnel except the pilots. The company doesn’t think its customers will notice the difference.

Appliance companies are pooling their resources to build giant air conditioners to install at the polar caps, giant dehumidifiers for places with too much rain, and giant humidifiers for regions suffering from drought. They will connect them to sources of electricity with Tesla’s long distance extension cords.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.