Gaining Freedom from Old “Shoulds’

By Natasha Josefowitz, ACSW, Ph.D.

Natasha Josefowitz

LA JOLLA, California — I found this old column from some years back that lists some of my “shoulds” from that time. I was curious to see if any of them would still be applicable today. A few still work, but are modified to fit our current culture and lifestyle.

Shoulds are injunctions carried over from earlier in life, from parents, teachers, religious leaders, and other authority figures. Some have become dispensable. As we grow older, we shed many of these shoulds.

Here are some from years past (listed in italics) followed by today’s modifications:

I should do power walks or run on the treadmill to maintain cardiovascular efficiency. At my age, I no longer run. If I do 4,000 steps every day, I have reached my goal.

I should be working out with weights so that I can carry my own bags of groceries. I still do, but my weights are considerably lighter.

I should do tai chi or yoga to maintain flexibility  and help prevent falling. This still holds true, but I mostly do chair Pilates.

I should eat less sugar, less salt, less fat, less red meat. I am more conscious of eating healthily, avoiding processed foods, while increasing my vegetable and fruit intake. I am also eating more locally grown and sustainable foods.

I should floss and drink enough water to stay hydrated. As one grows older, one is less aware of being thirsty; I have asked Alexa to remind me to drink water throughout the day.

I should be financially prudent. At my age, I turn to my daughter and cousin for financial advice.

I should clean out my closet of all those clothes that I’ve held on to for years. I have been saying this for all these years and have not been able to accomplish this, as yet.

I should throw out all those files that I will never need again until the day after I have thrown them out. I have successfully streamlined much of my paperwork, but still need to do more.

I should attend local cultural events, go to fundraisers, sit on boards, and participate in committee meetings. I don’t feel compelled to attend everything anymore and prioritize fewer events. One of the favorite gifts given to seniors is “I don’t have to go.”

I should be wearing the latest fashions, have a good haircut, polished nails, and be thin with good muscle tone, a washboard stomach, and buns of steel. I mostly wear vintage clothing, easily manage a shorter haircut, and please don’t even mention my stomach and buns. Mark Twain said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” I agree with him!

I should be productive and lead a meaningful life. Upward mobility or striving for success are no longer goals. A meaningful life for me is making a difference in the lives of others.

I should find something challenging to do (such as learning new programs on my computer) in order to increase the number of neurons in my brain, which will decrease my chances of getting Alzheimer’s disease. I continue taking computer classes and try to keep up-to-date with the ever-evolving technology.

I should do crossword puzzles and word games to keep stimulating my brain in order to make new synaptic connections. Studies have shown that computer games do not increase brain function; they only improve computer-game skills.

I should prioritize my life, rethink my goals and objectives, and make sure that I am always on track. I have done this throughout my life.

The pandemic has exacerbated many problems of our society. There are new shoulds today that mostly deal with the new world of technology and our environment. In an effort to stay current, I should check my iPhone messages and read my emails on a regular basis. Even more importantly, I should be cognizant of climate change and, therefore, be environmentally responsible as well as conscious of the inequalities that still exist in our world today.

The pandemic has also helped to simplify our lives. The questions we all need to ask ourselves include: What will enhance my life? What gives me pleasure? What gives meaning to my life? What may be a burden, but is still necessary? What detracts from my life?

It would behoove us to be mindful of the reality that we have less energy than before. This, in turn, has altered life’s priorities, diminished activities, and increased time spent at home. There is still room for new discoveries. These could be our best years yet!

© Natasha Josefowitz, who is a nonagenarian. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com