By Natasha Josefowitz, ACSW, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — My newspaper came today with a large, glossy supplement of ideas for gift giving. I also received several catalogs with holiday gift ideas. Some magazines are even trying to be helpful by designating categories: for the man who has everything, for the woman in your life (a generation ago the suggestion was giving her a vacuum cleaner), gadgets for seniors, and, of course, toys for children, even toys for dogs and cats. Given the ongoing pandemic, we are being urged to buy early in order to avoid predicted supply-chain delays.
So now the holiday season is upon us, the one that requires obligatory gifts to all family members and friends, and money to all the people in your life who render service. There is a protocol that if you are invited to someone’s house for a meal, you bring a gift to the host or hostess, such as a bottle of wine, candy or flowers, or better still, a small potted plant so the hostess doesn’t have to leave her guests in order to scurry around looking for a vase. If invited out to a restaurant, no gift is necessary.
I live in a retirement community where everyone’s personal space is limited. We all bemoan too much stuff, so a gift should be something that doesn’t take up room and doesn’t last. I have eaten the chocolates, the homemade breads and jams, the cookies. I have also received flowers that eventually wilt, candles that were burned, and books that have been read and passed on.
What are the reasons for people to give gifts?
Appreciation—Thanking someone for something that was said or done. Often people feel under-appreciated, so this may be a most welcome gesture.
Special Occasion—An expected gift when invited to a birthday, graduation, or holiday party (unless the invitation says “no gifts, please”).
Self-serving—Wanting to be well thought of or remembered or to make the person feel they owe you something in return.
Atonement—Out of guilt or reparation for some wrongdoing to that person; the gift says please, forgive me.
Unexpected gift—Given for no special reason except to say I love you, I was thinking about you, I hope you are feeling better, in friendship, etc.
Charitable contributions—Some are expected as part of belonging to an organization. Others are according to one’s interests. Some people like to donate small amounts to a large number of charities while others prefer to make a large contribution to one specific cause.
The choice of gifts, whether personal or professional, speaks of the relationship between giver and receiver. There are very specific gifts that would only be enjoyed by a particular receiver (such as an item of clothing where size and color matter), and there are generic gifts such as flowers and candy. Books can also fall into categories of specific or general (for example, I gave a book on grief to a recently widowed friend).
A gift does not always have to be an object. Sometimes a note, a card, a phone call, or a compliment will accomplish the same thing. A very expensive gift may be unappreciated by someone who is struggling financially as it can make the recipient feel they have to respond in kind. On the other hand, it could be something they may need, but cannot afford. This is a very delicate situation, walking the line between appreciation and possible embarrassment.
I wondered where the idea of giving Christmas gifts started. In 1860, a cartoonist, Thomas Nost, created the first image of a Santa Claus with an arm full of gifts. Then in 1868, Health and Home, a magazine, followed suit with a similar image and the toy industry got the message. Thus, the idea of Santa Claus delivering gifts to children all around the world began.
We all have heard the expression: “It is better to give than to receive.” A 2008 Harvard study noted that spending money on others leads to lasting improvements in personal overall happiness. A longitudinal study from the University of Buffalo found that people engaged in supportive behavior—like running errands, cooking meals, babysitting (so that new parents can enjoy an evening off), walking the dog (when the owner is sick)— reduced the mortality rate compared to those who do not lend a helping hand. Moreover, a 2007 study in the journal Science states that donating to charity activates neural activity of the brain linked to reward processing areas.
The saying “It is more blessed to give than to receive” is attributed to Jesus (Acts 20:35 King James Version, 1604).
© Natasha Josefowitz. This article appeared initially in the La Jolla Village News. You may comment to natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com