By Raphael Menko
SAN DIEGO — For the past month, I’ve been trying to live more intentionally with the character trait called Menuchat HaNefesh — in English, equanimity. I am following a program called Midda a Month put on by the Mussar Institute, which gives readings and meditations to help channel a specific Midda (character trait) each month.
The biggest lesson I had from this month regarding equanimity comes from a combination of lessons from Rabbis Yerucham Levovitz, Shlomo Wolbe, and Avraham Yeshaya Karelitz (the Chazon Ish).
But first, what exactly does Menuchat HaNefesh mean? It refers to a balanced and tranquil mental and emotional state. One phrase that helps connect to its core comes from Rabbi Menachem Mendel Leffin, who states, “Rise above events that are inconsequential — both bad and good for they are not worth disturbing your equanimity.” The idea here is that most events in a typical day are inconsequential — e.g. on the bad side, getting stuck in traffic, or on the good side, remembering that you have lasagna in the freezer. So, for this majority of events, don’t let your emotional and mental state get shaken up too much. It’s all fairly stoic and empowering, as it gives us a clear head and a sense of being present.
Yet how do we live with equanimity on a daily basis?
According to Rabbi Yeruchom Levovitz, the solution is to have a goal and focus on it. When we have a mission or a goal then we can ignore the, relatively speaking, inconsequential obstacles that get in our way. Imagine your goal is to win a soccer game and you truly are focused on that one goal; you can rise above the thirst, tiredness, sun in your eyes, and even pain in your ankle.
Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe (a student of Rabbi Levovitz), builds upon this point and says that the only way for true equanimity is through having inner peace from above (referring to G-d), from our surroundings (referring to other people), and from within (referring to ourselves).
If you combine the two rabbis’ points, there’s an interesting takeaway: To live with equanimity, we must have at least one constant goal governing our relationship with ourselves, with others, and with the Divine. If we can define and hook into these three types of goals, then the turbulence of life will not throw us off of our game.
Here’s an example. Meet Marvin, a 40-year-old man living in San Diego. Let’s imagine what goals for Marvin could touch on all three elements.
The goal and its root challenge come from the Chazon Ish’s reading of Chapter 4, Verse 21 in Pirkei Avot:
רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר הַקַּפָּר אוֹמֵר, הַקִּנְאָה וְהַתַּאֲוָה וְהַכָּבוֹד, מוֹצִיאִין אֶת הָאָדָם מִן הָעוֹלָם:
Rabbi Elazar Ha-kappar said: envy, lust and [the desire for] honor put a man out of the world.
Between Marvin and himself:
Goal: To be best version of himself
Root challenge (from the Chazon Ish): Lack of self control
This could manifest in a variety of ways:
- Learning more Torah
- Adopting a healthier diet and lifestyle
- Removing distractions
Between Marvin and others:
Goal: Engaging in acts of chesed; increasing kindness and compassion
Root challenge: Being jealous of others
This could manifest in a variety of ways:
- Focusing on the good in people in his life
- Volunteering in his community
- Hosting guests for Shabbat
Between Marvin and Hashem:
Goal: Serving G-d
Root challenge: The desire for honor and power; arrogance
This could manifest in a variety of ways:
- Praying and saying blessings with concentration
- Focusing on conducting business with greater integrity
- Doing Mitzvot mindfully
What I find effective about these teachings about equanimity is that they simplify the “how” in how to live a life removed from anger, jealousy, lust, arrogance, and an unhealthy ego. At the end of the day, that’s really what equanimity is all about. It’s about removing those toxic emotions that ruin our days and over time, our lives.
At the same time, these three goal-categories are broad enough that they give us enough space to be creative and authentic to ourselves. For Marvin, his path to peace with his surroundings may include hosting people for Shabbat and for his sister, Deborah, her chesed might manifest in helping out at a food bank.
It’s tremendously wise of Rabbi Wolbe and the Chazon Ish to give us these three categories, their goals, and the root challenges that undermine them.
If you focus on being the best version of yourself, doing acts of kindness and compassion for others, and serving G-d, then your soul will be in a place of almost constant equanimity. You do not need to root your inner peace with results or outcomes, because you will be focused on meaningful activities that touch on all three necessary categories.
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Raphael Menko lives in San Diego with his wife and two sons and works in the educational technology space.