By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
In this week’s parasha, Yitro, one of the six portions termed for an individual, we discover the Ten Commandments, the Aseret HaDib’rot, being revealed to Moses and to the Israelites in the wilderness. We see from this pinnacle experience that the Torah can be learned anywhere, even in a wilderness, by anyone with a receptive heart and open mind.
This is the highlight of this week’s Torah reading. With the world spiraling in so many destructive directions, the Ten Commandments are clearly the paramount prescription for our moral direction. One time when I was on Oprah discussing violence in America, she asked me why there is so much violence in our midst. From seemingly nowhere, on live TV, I said, “Oprah, the world came with 10 rules, not suggestions. Imagine if we followed them!”
We are taught these 10 commandments, not suggestions, to aid us in leading an optimal life, culminating in one very clear summary to help us live right, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox, his donkey, or whatever belongs to your neighbor” (Exodus 20:14).
When we covet, when we feel an inordinate desire for what belongs to another, we may create within ourselves resentment, anger, jealousy, and judgment, all feelings that lead to an unhappy, constricted life. Coveting here is a focused feeling according to the Ibn Ezra and the Radak, (some believe an action, see Maimonides in Sefer HaMitzvot, Prohibitions 265, 266) specifically with regards to those things that belong to others. It leads to prohibited actions. Coveting is both a symptom and a cause of not living in accord with Hashem, of forgetting all about seeking Him. Among the main drivers of violence and hatred, are envy and jealousy.
But how can we exercise the other nine commandments, how can we love the Lord our G-d with all our hearts, when we feel an overriding demand for that which He gave to others, not to ourselves? Thus, this 10th commandment encapsulates all the others.
Coveting is ultimately a rejection of a closeness to Hashem and to the life He gave specifically to you. After all, when we covet anything, isn’t that idolatry? Further, coveting that which He gave to others is damaging and hazardous since it may serve as motivation to transgress against another, renouncing the other 9 commandments. “You shall not covet…” serves as a summary of these other commandments, a central message for living a more spiritual, less material, more accepting and therefore peaceful life. Indulging in physical pleasure leaves little serenity for spiritual strivings. It hinders our generosity, our tzedakah, towards others.
And let’s remember that in the Talmud, in Ta’anit 26b, we are told that receiving the Torah must be “as one person with one heart,” as the giving of the Torah was like a wedding between Hashem and Israel. Coveting what another has, puts a separation between us and the other person. True Torah-based fellowship and harmony are conditions for genuinely receiving the Torah in our hearts and minds. The Torah is most concerned about teaching us to live a moral, ethical life, to be sensitive to our fellow human beings. Removing roadblocks between us is required for living a true Torah life. Can you imagine what our lives, our communities, our synagogues would be like if that were the case? If only, right?
The Rambam sees this commandment as a “fence” that averts a torrent of Torah-based transgressions. Indeed, we learn in Avot 4:21, “Envy, lust and seeking honor remove a person from this world.” And the Talmud in Sotah 9a, teaches, “Whoever sets his eyes on what is not his, loses also what is his.”
Pirke Avot (4:1) asks us, “Who is rich?” We are tested to respond gratefully for that which He gave to us, for us to be happy with our portion. Loving Hashem, with all our hearts, helps us avoid becoming overly attached to physical pleasures and materialism.
Perhaps “Do not covet…” is actually the anchor commandment, as it comes as the base upon which the Aseret HaDib’rot stand. So, let’s stop wasting time wishing for, or worse, secretly demanding, what we don’t have, to fully appreciate what we do have, B”H.
The Sefer Hachinuch tells us that man has free choice in both his actions as well as in his thoughts and emotions. “He rules his heart and can guide it as he wants.” This suggests that man has the mental ability to take desire and demand out of his heart and refrain from the prohibition of feeling covetous. But, how? What specifically do we need to take out of our minds and hearts?
Psychologically, the act of coveting is anchored in the following thoughts, the harmful, unhealthy beliefs to eliminate from our thinking to delete the feeling of covet or desire:
1) That you SHOULD/OUGHT/MUST have it
2) That it would be TERRIBLE/AWFUL not to have it
3) You CANNOT STAND not having it
4) That you are NO GOOD for not having it
5) With envy or covet comes the belief that the other person is UNDESERVING or NO GOOD for having it.
The teaching of Ben Zoma in Pirkei Avot, “Who is happy? He who is happy with what is his lot,” applies here. The capacity to be aware of all that we possess, with gratitude to Hashem for all that He has given, is an antidote to this type of unhealthy thinking.
Gratitude, “Modeh Ani.” I thank you, is the way we begin our day, resting on the root of the word “Jew” – “Yehuda”- has the word “Hodaa” in it, meaning gratitude. A key to feeling no lack, no coveting, is reinforcing our gratitude towards Hashem for what he has and has not given us. When we think in this manner, we open new vistas within ourselves and in our interpersonal connections with others. We certainly create a proper perspective to build a closer relationship with Hashem and clearly see His miracles in our lives.
According to the Me-Am Lo’ez, “A person should contemplate somberly and reason with himself: ‘Hashem is the master of my fate, not I. If I deserve to own something, surely, He will not withhold it from me. But if something is not destined to be mine, then all my pains and efforts to acquire it will come to naught. So, it is futile to pursue it.’”
Therefore, acceptance, particularly unconditional acceptance, is such a healthy mindset that is taught in contemporary psychology. Hashem is telling us that if we keep the first nine commandments, we will not covet. It’s in the translation of lo tachmod “You shall not covet,” which can also mean “You will not covet.” The language of “will not” implies choice, the choice we make when we live well, we are better able to avoid coveting.
There is a wonderful story about Rav Yisrael Salanter (1800-1870), founder of the Mussar Movement, at a Friday evening meal as the guest of a Kovno baker. Eager to impress the Rav with his piety, the baker roared to his wife that she must immediately cover the challot. The woman, embarrassed in the presence of Rav Salanter, shamefacedly covered the loaves, which she had planned to do anyway. Rav Yisrael turned to his host and asked, “Do you perchance know why we cover the loaves?”
“Of course, learned rabbi,” answered the baker. “Usually, we make the first blessing over the bread, which then frees us from making other blessings over other foods. However, the Sabbath meals are an exception, since the blessing to sanctify the wine must precede the blessing over the bread. Since the challot would probably expect to be blessed first, we cover them to avoid their embarrassment when we bless the wine first.”
“Why do your ears not hear what your mouth is saying?” responded the rabbi. “Do you really believe that Jewish law thinks a piece of dough has feelings? No, Jewish law is training you to be sensitive to the feelings of the challah so you will be sensitive to the feelings of your wife!”
Sensitivity. Not a bad overriding lesson from this week’s parasha. Now, if only we all genuinely lived it as well as ensured that we cover our challot.
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com