Satire: Republican Revisionism

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — The Republican National Committee censured Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger for serving on the House select committee investigating the January 6 attack on the Capitol which the RNC considers “legitimate political discourse.”  Unbeknownst to the public, the RNC also appointed a historical committee to censure Republicans whose policies the RNC retrospectively views as offensive to the Republican party’s political base. Here are some of its first recommendations:

The RNC censures Abraham Lincoln for resisting the legal secession of the Confederacy which was constitutionally defending property and state’s rights.  After all, the 13^th Amendment wasn’t ratified until 1865.

The RNC censures Ulysses S. Grant for supporting the Ku Klux Klan Act of 1871 authorizing federal prosecution of groups which attempted to deny equal protection of law to former slaves.  This act denied members of the KKK the freedom to make fashion statements, light bonfires, or decorate trees.

The RNC censures Theodore Roosevelt for signing the Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906.  Where in the constitution are citizens forbidden to eat tainted food and take medicines that don’t work or are harmful to their health. #ingestIvermechtin

The RNC censures Dwight Eisenhower for building the interstate highway system that has facilitated the corruption of rural white areas by connecting them to racially diverse and Democrat controlled cities.

The RNC censures Richard Nixon for creating the Environmental Protection Agency since it is obvious the environment is there for economic exploitation and not protection.

The RNC censures George W. Bush for selecting Dick Cheney as his vice-president who sired the dastardly traitor Liz Cheney. It is also rumored that Kinzinger is Cheney’s love child.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.