By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Vladimir Putin miscalculated when he expected Russia to rapidly defeat and occupy Ukraine. His mistake stems from the misinformation he received from advisors and intelligence agencies who feared disputing his decisions. My mole in the Kremlin, a waiter named Pinkus Pinsky, has sent me copies of the briefing materials provided to Putin. Here’s some highlights from them:
At the end of World War Two, Soviet troops found the burnt body of Hitler in the rubble of Berlin. A Ukrainian soldier cut off a lock of Hitler’s hair as a war trophy. Years later the CIA obtained the hair and shared it with Ukrainian scientists so they could clone Hitler, alter his looks, and run him for president under the pseudonym Volodymyr Oleksandrovych Zelenskyy.
As a cover for this dastardly plot to launch the 4th Reich from Ukraine, Zelenskyy started his career as a television comedian so he wouldn’t be taken seriously as a politician. Everyone knows now the only entertainers qualified to be leaders are former reality television hosts. Once he was elected president with the help of Hunter Biden and Joe Biden, he enlisted NATO (since Germany is one of its members) to prepare for the genocide of Russians and the dissolution of the Russian Federation. Thus, it is of the utmost urgency for the Federation to engage in a preemptive attack to avert the invasion of Russia.
Unaware of his deception, many Ukrainians support Zelenskyy. There is no distinction between the Ukrainian Army and Ukrainian civilians. Every apartment building, café, hospital, house, school, store, and train station is a camouflaged armory. It doesn’t matter where we aim our bombs, guns, missiles, and tanks. Wherever they land is a strategic target! These cannot be war crimes because there is no war—only a “special military operation.” This is not genocide either because Russia is engaged in self-defense.
The United States and NATO have armed Ukraine because otherwise the burgeoning economy of the Russian Federation will outcompete Western capitalism, Fortunately, most NATO countries prioritize driving their automobiles, powering their factories, and heating their homes with Russian natural gas and oil over their concerns about Ukrainian lives. Sanctions will be undermined by their purchases of these sources of energy. Since the war will only last a short time, the sanctions will not affect the price of borsht, potatoes, and vodka which are the staples of Russian diet. Besides, ever since we liberated Crimea, the Federation controls the supply of caviar from Black Sea sturgeon.
After its sweeping victory within two weeks, the Federation will publish proof that Zelenskyy is a Hitler clone uncovered by Tucker Carlson on Fox News. Consequently, the surviving Ukrainians will thank their fellow Russians for emancipating them from Nazism.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.