By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — About a month ago, we read in parasha Shemini about the deaths of Nadav and Avihu. This Shabbos, in Parasha Acharei Mos, once again, the Torah takes the time to mention their deaths. In this week’s parasha, Aaron and his family are forbidden to mourn their loss, and it’s surely worth reading the commentary about why this is so.
Perhaps, though, we can understand the value of tears in another light, especially given the pain many of us feel during these very trying times, which has brought stress and anguish to so many, young and older, throughout our world. We have much to cry about in today’s world. There will always be tragedies, events that tear at who we are, and leave us in tears. And nobody is exempt from misfortune, something we’d all be wise to accept.
Emotionally, psychologically, holding back tears is unhelpful. Tears are natural, essential to our health, a normal response to loss and stress, and a healthy physical expression of our dealing with raw emotion. Holding back tears, remaining quiet, only allows those who tear into us, to continue doing so. Allowing tears to flow from inside of us, in a sense, frees us to feel the power of hope and to see a better future. Acharei mos, “after the death,” points to life. We must always point to the light of life that surely comes after the death.
This is a time to strengthen our spiritual connection to Torah, to each other, and to build our community. On this last point, Abaye in Talmud Brachot 30a, teaches, “At all times a person should associate himself with the congregation and should not pray alone.” This is our opportunity to grow forward, upward, onward…together, “after the death.”
How? We would be wise to learn from Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik who authored, “Halachic Man,” in which he tells of his grandfather, Rav Chaim Soloveitchik, who was troubled greatly by a fear of death. Whenever he was engulfed by his fear, he sought out a rational way of thinking of death and mortality and turned to study the halachas of death. This reframing, this renewal of thinking in healthier ways, provided him peace to move forward.
We see in the Torah this is what Hashem, just as a doctor might do in caring for his/her patients, teaches Moshe to do to help Aharon – to become deeply involved with the holy service in the Mishkan. This helped him calm himself as he focused on holiness, providing him joy and gladness. He did not turn away from his healthy negative emotions regarding his loss. He did not ignore reality. He acknowledged his loss and went about changing what he could in the very same space and in the same service that killed his sons. Recall the sin of Aharon’s sons, as we learned in parasha Shemini, was the substitution of their own ideas of ritual behavior – an aish zarah, an alien fire – for God’s specific instructions.
Flexibility and acceptance, while turning to the holiness of the Mishkan, as instructed by Hashem, provided Aharon peacefulness. Hashem’s teachings are for our life’s wellbeing, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. As it teaches in Psalm 19, “The Torah of Hashem is perfect, restoring the soul. The testimony of Hashem is trustworthy, make the simple one wise. The orders of Hashem are upright, gladdening the heart, the command of Hashem is clear, enlightening the eyes.”
Learning Torah, turning to the teachings of our great sages, acting upon our learning, helps us build purpose and focus in our lives and provides a lens through which we can live in a more joyful and healthy manner. Doing so is not often easy. It involves living, not just learning, Torah. Aharon did not just learn what Moshe taught him to do but did it. Actions count.
The Torah tells us, “You shall observe My decrees and My laws, which man shall carry out and by which he shall live – I am Hashem.” This is expounded upon in Midrash Torat Kohanim where we learn, “Make it primary, not secondary.” It further teaches us, “Occupy yourself with it and do not mix foreign things into it. Do not say, ‘I have finished learning the wisdom of the Jews; now I will learn the wisdom of other nations.’ There is no end to one’s obligation to study Torah.”
The Rosh Yeshiva of the Novardok Yeshiva in Bialystok, R’ Avraham Yoffen, brings this insight. He teaches us that this Midrash is highlighting that the Torah is not to simply be studied, but to be lived. Studying other ways of life doesn’t necessarily harm us, it simply does not touch our soul in positive ways. Making Torah study and action primary helps prevent one from committing the sins of putting one’s own desires before Hashem’s as we saw in Aharon’s sons. But we are not expected to be perfect. Hashem does not demand perfection from us. We are however asked to continually strive to be better. By asking what we’ve learned from an experience, what we can do to grow and move forward in a more positive way, we emerge stronger, better, and improved, regardless of the hardships with which we’ve been asked to deal.
As we have just finished a wonderful time celebrating Pesach, we’ve cleansed ourselves to cultivate a healthy and sound mind, body, and soul. This is a time in which we recalled the Exodus from Egypt, and we do so daily. We learn that our true freedom comes from recognizing that external circumstances do not determine our emotions, but rather that our own thinking about our circumstance create our feelings. This is ultimately attained through prayer, Torah study and adhering to the mitzvos we learn. This is the way we gain our freedom of thought and build our strength. Mindful, attentive, prayer is a well-crafted way of permeating our lives with ideals that can energize our emotional wellness.
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com