By Laurie Baron
I started writing my Humoring the Headlines columns back in 2013. Today is the 600th one I’ve posted. Here’s some of my favorite observations from 2013:
Anthony Wiener is reportedly considering withdrawing from the New York’s mayoral race. He has been negotiating with Oskar Mayer to become the chauffeur of their trademark vehicle. He’s also changing his name to Felix Frankfurter.
Scientists in London announce they have made the first lab-grown hamburger. The FDA has approved it for restaurant use noting that it is more natural than anything fast food chairs are currently serving.
Rand Paul cut the ribbon to open the new Ayn Rand Theme Park. It has attractions like the Rollercoaster of Capitalism, a Fountainhead Lego building site for children supervised by Donald Trump, and the Atlas Weightlifting Challenge.
After enacting its ban on the promotion of homosexuality, Russia is defying demands to change its policy or face a boycott of the upcoming Winter Olympics there. Putin has dug his heels in and renamed St. Petersburg St. Burg because the mere mention of peters is too homosexually suggestive. Similarly, he has forbidden the playing of any songs by Barbra Streisand, Cher, and the Village People as background for figure-skating routines. Due to poor translation, Putin thinks a boycott means the host country must provide a boy on a cot in the dorm rooms of male athletes.
More and more universities are offering online courses and degrees. The problem is that they are all being taught by Professor Hal.
To encourage civility, Israeli and Palestinian negotiators played a game of monopoly before one of their sessions. It had to be stopped when the Palestinians insisted that Israel issue more get out of jail cards and the Israelis responded by building more houses on the properties they occupied.
The head of West Point’s History Department was dismissed for sexual harassment of female subordinates. When asked why he sexually abused the women in his classes, he replied that he merely wanted to prepare them for life in the military.
Native American groups are demanding that the Washington Redskins change the team’s offensive name to something less derogatory that reflects the city’s true nature like the Washington Lobbyists, the Washington Gridlocks, or the Washington Bribe Takers.
With riots in Egypt, a civil war in Syria, and kidnappings in Libya, observers have officially changed the name of the Arab Spring to the Arab Fall.
Time magazine has drawn criticism for entitling its article on Chris Christie “The Elephant in the Room” and thereby drawing attention to his weight. The Editorial Board has issued a statement denying this was their intent: “We merely selected the least offensive title we had come up with. The alternatives were “The GOP’s New Heavyweight Contender,” “The Wide Appeal of Chris Christie,” and “Christie Crushes Gubernatorial Opponent.”
Sarah Palin has been promoting her new book which criticizes the “war on Christmas.” She vehemently believes that the denigration of Christmas robs Americans of their Second Amendment rights to celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace by giving their children hunting rifles, toy guns, and war games.
According to the latest results of the Program for International Assessment tests, the scores of American high-school students continued to lag behind those of their peers in many other countries. The good news is that most American students are unable to read the PISA report or understand its statistical analysis.
The interim agreement to ease sanctions in return for freezing the Iranian nuclear program still faces tough Congressional opposition. Though few Americans can identify who the new president of Iran is, many believe that country’s Supreme Leader is Diana Ross.
As 2013 ends, 1.3 million Americans have lost their long-term unemployment payments and 47 million others are receiving less food stamps, Congressional Republicans believe this kind of deficit cutting will bolster their support with Tea Party voters and plan to ring in the New Year by singing a new version of “Auld Lang Syne.”
May job creators keep their wealth, and never pay a tax.
For auld lang syne, my friend, for auld lang syne.
We’ll drink a cup to meanness yet, all for the bottom line.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.