By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — As we face higher car, food, gas, and housing prices, another shortage looms threatening severe repercussions initially in the Middle East and then spreading to the rest of the world. The global supply of chickpeas is projected to drop by 20% this year due to disrupted supply chains, war in Ukraine, and weather adversely affecting crops. Moreover, the decrease in wheat exported by Ukraine has economists predicting a pita paucity. Covid has lowered the availability of tahini too. Fortunately, the yields of lemon harvests have remained high prompting growers to change the adage “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” to “when you can’t dip, sip.”
What can we expect from the impending garbanzo gap between demand and supply? Filming of the sequel to You Can’t Mess with the Zohan will be cancelled. Chickpea cartels will replace drug cartels. Illegal chickpea pushers will black market counterfeit falafel balls comprised of fried sawdust. Tensions between Israel and neighboring Arab countries will be exacerbated in skirmishes over chickpeas entailing the seizure of each other’s ships transporting garbanzo gold and terrorist attacks on falafel kiosks. Mezze platters will be removed from the menus of all Middle Eastern restaurants. Chickpea futures will hit such high levels that only rich investors will be able to purchase them. They will be required to pay with a new cryptocurrency called Bitecoin which will be pegged to the price of chickpeas. Mexico is preparing to flood the US market with frijoles, salsa, and tortillas anticipating that Americans will not notice the difference in the beans they are consuming, the condiment they put on them, and the wraps surrounding them. This will generate a new impetus to build the wall!
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.