By Elona Baron (as barked to Laurie Baron)
It has been a long time since I decided to take pen in paw and comment on what’s going on in the world. (Actually, I’m lying. I always have dictated my columns because God forgot to give dogs opposable thumbs. Those primates have all the luck!).
January 6, 2021: It was too easy for the mob to storm the capitol. Why didn’t the police have any guard dogs? Maybe I’m being overconfident in my expectation that the only thing that can stop a reactionary yahoo with a flagpole is a vicious Doberman with sharp teeth. I warned the country earlier that the Golden Deceiver couldn’t be trusted. That’s what Americans get for electing a man who never owned a dog. Joe Biden might not be the most effective president in history, but at least he has Major and Commander to advise him.
Dobbs v. Jackson: Dogs never have abortions. Humans callously give away our pups even when they were the product of rape, and all dog pregnancies are the result of unwanted humping or arranged mating. Since I would have preferred to have had a choice of birthing a litter, having an abortion, or being spayed, I’d like to pee on Justice Alito’s leg and poop on his lawn.
Supply Chain Issues: So far, I haven’t noticed a shortage of kibble, canned food, and bones. I dislike all chains.
Gun Control: I’m not a hunting breed, but I have friends who are and enjoy going into the forest with their owners to shoot creatures like rabbits which I always chase and want to kill when I see them on my walks. Hunting other humans with semi-automatic rifles, however, should be banned since humans are dog’s best friends.
Voter Suppression: I’ve heard that Georgia punishes people who bring food and water to voters standing in line for a long time to vote. To circumvent this law, I’m mobilizing St. Bernards in the next election to bring those voters sustenance. I’ve also heard there’s a shortage of pole watchers. It should be easy to recruit dogs to stay near poles and occasionally lift their legs.
Thus barked Elona!
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.