By Laurie Baron
The House of Representatives passed the Right to Contraception Act to protect “a person’s ability to access contraceptives and to engage in contraception, and to protect a health care provider’s ability to provide contraceptives, contraception, and information related to contraception.” The text of the bill, however, was considerably abridged from the original draft posted below.
“To counter Justice Thomas’s call to reconsider the constitutionality of privacy rights like contraception, the House of Representatives proposes the Right to Contraception Act as a prophylactic measure. This is the first salvo in the House’s rubber match with the current reactionary Supreme Court to build a wall of separation between sperm and ovum.
The legalization of contraception is not intended to be a Trojan horse for promiscuity, but to encourage social intercourse among consenting citizens. It does not prohibit ultra-sensitive Christians or rock-ribbed conservatives from engaging in spermicide understanding that most of them will not celibate this legislation, but it might be helpful to those among them who lack rhythm or the will power of their convictions. Since this law applies to women’s contraception too, the appendix to this legislation includes a Venn diaphragm and an explicit Pill of Rights.
The EPA is charged with administering this law since it regulates emissions until the Supreme Court decides to further emasculate its authority on such matters.”
*
Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.
You’ve still got it, Laurie.