By Laurie Baron, Ph.D
SAN DIEGO — Donald Trump has claimed that he had a “standing order” to declassify any documents he took from the White House to his Mar-a-Lago resort. The following are other standing orders found by the FBI in the files it seized there.
“Any abode where a former president resides or temporarily stays shall be considered a SCIF (Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility) for legal purposes.”
“All physical contact by a former president with members of the opposite sex before, during, or after his term is considered consensual. How does that grab you?”
“All public, private, and sworn statements made by a former president cannot be held against him in criminal or civil proceedings. This is a logical extrapolation of the Fifth Amendment.”
“Former presidents can never be charged with perjury. George Washington set the precedent for his successors. He was incapable of telling a lie”
“If a former president threatens retribution or violence against his enemies, it can never be considered incitement. Indeed, such threats are direct commands.”
“If a former president loses the popular or electoral vote in future elections, the results will be deemed null and void. In the absence of a popular or electoral winner, the former president will be reinstated.”
“All criticism of a former president is slander and treasonous. Lock up anyone who dares to engage in such behavior.”
“Former presidents are encouraged to maximize the economic benefits and contacts they developed while in office because upon leaving office, the former president becomes the Expender and Chief.”
“Defund all agencies which dare to mount a civil or criminal investigation of a former president.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.