By Elona Baron (as barked to Laurie Baron)
SAN DIEGO — Walking my owner around the neighborhood, I notice the tombstones, pumpkins, ghosts, black cats, spiders, monsters, and skeletons that sprout up on front lawns at the end of September. I dread what this portends: Halloween, my least favorite holiday! That evening small strangers repeatedly ring the doorbell and get me riled up. After several hours of running to the door and growling at what I perceive as intruders, I’m dog tired.
To compensate for this exhausting and frightening night, I propose that one day during the dog days of summer be set aside for a new holiday, Houndoween. On Houndoween, dogs disguised as famous canines will walk unleashed in packs from house to house to be given all the things our owners normally reserve for rewarding us for doing something servile like fetching balls or rolling over. We already have honed our begging skills at dinnertime in the homes where we reside. Our owners will accompany us and shout “Sic or treat” when each door opens.
Of course, we need to be acutely aware of dog haters who might put chocolate bars, grapes, or raisins in the doggie bags our owners are carrying for us. We prefer Beggin’ Strips, kibble granola bars, Charlee Bears, beef bones (no chicken bones, please), and rawhide chews. If we are denied our favorite snacks, we won’t bite the hands that didn’t feed us (except if they’re wearing MAGA hats), but we will pee and poop on all the Halloween lawn decorations and instruct our owners not to clean up the mess we made.
Like Halloween, which originated in the medieval Christian celebration of “All Hallows’ Eve,” Houndaween has a serious side to it. It will memorialize the spirits of all the innocent dogs who have been euthanized in pounds and shelters over the centuries. Since the first Houndoween won’t happen until next year, I have a long time to decide whether I will dress up as Clifford, Cujo, the hound of Baskervilles, and Scooby Doo.
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.