White Flag by Judy L. Mandel; Camanche, Iowa: Legacy Book Press © 2022; ISBN 9781737-592631; 285 pages including end notes and bibliography; $14.99.
SAN DIEGO – This memoir is about different kinds of self-deception. One form is that of a drug addict who keeps telling herself and others that she is on the road to recovery and doesn’t need any 12-step programs or psychological help. The other is about a well-meaning aunt, who enables her drug-addict niece by pretending not to know that she is still using.
Mandel plumbs her psyche and that of her niece Cheryl, believing that both of them were psychologically impacted by a horrible airplane crash that set the house of Mandel’s mother and father on fire and resulted in the death of one sister, Donna, and the burning to the point of disfigurement of another sister, Linda. The author was born after the tragedy, always thinking of herself as a “replacement baby.”
Because Linda was so disfigured, classmates made fun of her. Little children said “ewww” when she walked by. She came to believe that she was unworthy of being loved and had a series of unsuccessful relationships and marriages with those men she could attract. Cheryl and her younger sister Debbie grew up in Linda’s unhappy home. One of Linda’s live-in boyfriends abused Cheryl, and though Linda threw him out, much damage was done. Depressed and experiencing PTSD, Cheryl became a drug user, turning to prostitution to support her habit. Eventually she was sent to prison. After Linda’s death, author Judy Mandel reached out to Cheryl, corresponding with her through her prison term and a half-way house.
Although they lived in different cities, Mandel was able to encourage Cheryl through letters and phone calls. She also put money into her account, which Cheryl said was needed for food and other living expenses. In the back of her mind, Mandel knew that it was possible that Cheryl was using the money for drugs. But Mandel ignored the suspicion, practicing the self-deceptive behavior of avoidance.
Some people might say a drug addict as a matter of course will lie about why she needs the money. However, Mandel believed that Cheryl truly had good intentions and was a sweet and caring young lady, who just couldn’t extricate herself from her addiction.
Mandel’s parents never got over the loss of their daughter Donna, about whom they only very rarely spoke. Similarly, Linda’s disfigurement was a taboo subject to be glossed over with platitudes in this Jewish family. Because so much was kept from her, Mandel felt she was never really accepted by the family. Reaching out to Cheryl was one way to assert her family identity. At one point, when she had nearly hit bottom, Cheryl inquired if she could come live with Mandel. Her aunt deflected the issue and felt guilty thereafter for not stepping up.
This memoir traces the rise and decline of the two women’s relationship. It is written with great empathy and soul-searching.
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Donald H. Harrison is editor emeritus of San Diego Jewish World. He may be contacted via donald.harrison@sdjewishworld.com
Look at that cover! This book is actually pretty profound. Is this even a review? Feels like a book report / recap.
Having read this book, I completely disagree with this review. While any reader is entitled to their opinion of a book, Mr. Harrison either read a different book or lacks the empathy to understand what is not only written on the page, but between the lines.
First, Mr. Harrison seems to have created his own term of “replacement baby.” The correct term is “replacement child”, a term coined by two phycologists in 1964.
Mr. Harrison seems to think that the phycological impact of a plane crashing into your family’s home, killing one child, severely burning another, does not have impact on future generations. Either Mr. Harrison did not retain any of the well researched facts contained in WHITE FLAG, or simply has a lump of coal where his heart should be.
Mr. Harrison’s ill conceived notion that Judy Mandel enabled Cheryl is yet another example of Mr. Harrison’s cruelty to his fellow man. If he truly believes that providing love and support to a family member struggling with Substance Use Disorder, including finding them a warm bed, hot meals, money for medication and emotional support during their darkest times is enabling, I can only hope that no one in his family depends on him for help for it seems he would rather leave them to their own struggle rather than do, what we as Jews, and more importantly as human beings have done for generations, tzedakah, to help those in need.