By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — If you’re looking for a love story, this week in Toldot, we read a magnificent one, in fact the first. You see, we are told that husband and wife are to, “cleave to each other and become one flesh.” This is precisely what Isaac and Rebecca teach us so perfectly. In fact, they even prayed as one. We see this in the gematria of יצחק and רבקה totaling 515, which equals to the gematria of בשר אחד or “one flesh.” Even more, 515 is also the gematria of תפלה.
Is the Torah telling us that love and prayer are one? Are יצחק and רבקה coming along to show us what proper love and proper prayer are all about? After all, the first time we see the word “love” in the Torah is in regards to this couple. Marriage, like prayer, יצחק and רבקה teach us this week, is wisely filled with gratitude, praise and compliments more than a list of complaints and requests. When we pray, we fill ourselves with a reminder of all of the wonders that Hashem has done, and will do, in our lives.
Prayer is less about asking Hashem for things than thanking Him for our lives. The same can be said about wise marriages – we are helpers of each other, not simply givers to each other. Think of prayer and marriage filled with positivity, gratitude and praise – that’s what יצחק and רבקה reveal to us in Toldot. In fact, the Torah says “Isaac prayed to Hashem opposite his wife…”What does this mean, “opposite his wife”? Our Sages explain that they were in unison, and some say they literally embraced each other face-to-face while praying. Rebecca stood opposite Isaac to be a helper, not an opponent.
The unity of love is seen in the numerical values of the words echad (one) and ahava (love) being the same. Genuine love is a state of being in which two become one flesh, united in their desires and fate. The deeper a couple is aware of their unity, the stronger is their love. They are indeed a couple whose love is worth emulating in many ways. Isaac’s prayers are described וַיֶּעְתַּ֨ר יִצְחָ֤ק לַֽיהֹוָה֙ לְנֹ֣כַח אִשְׁתּ֔וֹ “And Isaac prayed to the Lord opposite his wife…” Rashi tells us that “Vaye’ater” is not the usual word for prayer, and is linked with the idea of abundance, suggesting that Isaac prayed profusely for his wife. Additionally, the word “l’nokhakah” is not commonly used to mean for another but is meant to indicate closeness. Isaac prayed close to, opposite, Rebecca, frequently. What does this mean, “opposite his wife”? Our Sages explain that they were in unison, and some say they literally embraced each other face-to-face while praying. Rebecca stood opposite Isaac to be a helper, not an opponent. Despite many differences, these two teach us the importance of sharing the same life’s purpose, principles, and priorities.
One flesh. Reminds me of the couple who goes to the doctor because the wife injured her foot. The husband accompanies his wife into the exam room and when the doctor asks what brings the wife in, the husband answers, “Doctor, my wife’s foot hurts us.” Us. Unity.
Look in the “Nishmat Kol Chai” prayer we say every Shabbat right before the Shema and Amidah. Find the acrostic that has the names of Isaac and Rebecca that the prayer ends with…it’ll be another reminder of how love and prayer are truly entwined.
With unshakable honesty, as we make Hashem the center of our lives with no prerequisites, unconditionally, as we make our spouses/partners similarly the center of our lives, we become one with Hashem.
While we emphasize the beauty of “one flesh,” in contemporary psychology, particularly in the field of marriage and family coaching, we also recognize that for psychological health and wellness, it is important for people to not become so fused that they lose their own thoughts, emotions, and choices of actions. The ideal is often considered a differentiation of the self where those in a “one flesh” relationship continue to be able to express their intimacy and independence.
Isaac was not particularly individuated in that he and Avraham lived lives that were in significant parallel with each other. Recall the story of the wells that Isaac repeatedly dug. There is a great deal to learn from and grow from digging wells. Look at how Isaac responded to the antisemitism he faced. The people fought, argued, hated him over his digging wells. He simply continued along, naming them the same names Avraham named them, showing us the importance of courage, persistence, in the face of hate.
Isaac dug the first well and found that the people of Gerar said the water was theirs, not his. Isaac called that well, “Esek” since a struggle and fight followed his digging. Then he dug another well, and that led to an skirmish and argument from the people of Gerar, and Isaac called that well, “sitnah” since more hatred ensued. Then he digs a third well and he called that “Rechovot” since peace and harmony flowed from that digging. Why did the third well lead to tranuility but the first two did not? Rabbi Norman Lamm in the name of Rabbi Joseph Baumol tells us that the first two wells were dug by Isaac ’s servants, “Vayachperu avdei Isaac,” while the third well was dug by Isaac himself, “vayachpor be’er acheret.”
Isaac introduces to us the concept of discipline and character change in his well digging. When one digs a well, I am told, never having dug a well myself, nor am I likely to ever do so, one removes dirt until one reaches water. This is a metaphor of Isaac’s message to us. He is telling us to dig deeply into ourselves until we find the emotional blocks, our own saboteurs, that keep us from Hashem. He is showing us the value of unearthing our own inner fountainhead of kindness, sensitivity, awareness, and mindfulness.
This teaches the value of differentiating one’s own path. Isaac grew by digging his own well. This led to his flourishing and growing forward in the face of adversity, of failure of the first two wells. This is what contemporary psychology refers to as “resilience.” From Isaac we learn that faith is having the mettle to endure forward through setbacks and adversities, never giving up and never, ever, accepting defeat. Remember, “even those who stop us, do not stop us.” We keep on and do not give up. We continue firm in our faith.
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com