Parashat Vayeitzei: How to Strengthen Our Character Beyond Gratitude

By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.

SAN DIEGO —

“Thank you.” Here’s a question for you. Who’s the first person to have brought these words, “Thank you” to us Yehudim? Right! That’d be the mother of Yehuda (from the word hoda’ah), none other than Leah.

When’s the last time you expressed genuine, heartfelt gratitude and shown your deep appreciation to Hashem for all that you have? Sure, you’ve prayed for this or that and communicated your needs to Hashem, and perhaps you’ve been granted your desires – or not.

Remember that Leah didn’t say “Thank you” to Hashem until her fourth son was born. She thought she had been blessed with her portion of Jacob’s 12 sons with the three sons she had. But when she gave birth to her fourth son, well, that was quite the surprise, one she hadn’t even requested, and thus, the name of that son, Yehuda. The Torah tells us how Leah, when her fourth son was born said,

אוֹדֶ֣ה אֶת־יְהֹוָ֔ה “This time, I will give thanks to God.”

The root letters of “odeh” – “I will give thanks,” form the basis of the name
that Leah chose for her son, Yehudah, from which we get the name “Judah.” And from “Judah” we get the word “Judaism.” We see here that the greatest responsibility we have is to give thanks, since in doing so we bring more holiness into the world. When we awake and say “Thank you,” when we seek out 100 blessings each day, we create more blessings, as did Leah.

In the parasha, we also see another example of gratitude coming from Jacob. Recall that he wakes from his noteworthy dream picking up the rock that was his pillow and says, “Truly Hashem is in this place, and I did not know it” instead of heeding Hashem’s words, “I will be with you every place you go.” What if Jacob, and all of us, truly understood and lived filled with gratitude that Hashem is here, there, and everywhere, in our hearts, and in our minds?

Do we only express gratitude when the unexpected, the unanticipated, or the unrequested happens? No, of course not. We are a people who understand that everything in life is a gift from Hashem – everything, and we have no sense of entitlement whatsoever to anything that comes our way. We understand that everything happens FOR us, not TO us. We have no belief that “it’s coming to me.” We may not be able to discern why we have – or don’t have –but we are always able to live up to our name with an honest attitude of gratitude to Hashem…our name, Yehudim.

In this week’s parasha we also learn about the psychology of living a well-adjusted life, that is, we read how to strengthen our character beyond gratitude. This includes a) reinforcing our spirituality and b) intensifying our commitment to a strong work ethic, two areas of contemporary societal life that are clearly in need of improvement.

וְאַתֵּנָה יְדַעְתֶּן כִּי בְּכׇל־כֹּחִי עָבַדְתִּי אֶת־אֲבִיכֶן׃

Jacob tells his wives, “And you know that with all my might, I served your father.” Jacob teaches us the importance of the duality of a proper work ethic, even without being paid: quantity and quality. The Rambam, too, comments on this and adds that a worker is forbidden to waste time and must work continuously every minute he/she/they are employed, with all his/her/their strength. Just as Yaakov Avinu was, today’s generation of employees are also obligated as “b’nai Yisrael” in providing the maximum quantity and maximum quality of work required.

I came across a story to share from Rav Yohanan, who saw a teacher of young children who appeared to be quite weak and told the Rav that he frequently fasted. Rav Yohanan told him that he was forbidden to do so, and if it is forbidden when serving a human master to weaken oneself and not be able to work to one’s maximum, how much more so when serving Hashem. The Ra’avia, stipulated, “It is forbidden for a teacher to stay awake at night for longer than she/he usually does, for the following day he/she will lack the energy to teach.” How much more so do we need “chizuk,” strength, when serving Hashem. Indeed, mussar applies to our relations with others and to our relationship with Hashem. We cleave to truth in serving others and Hashem since truth is one of the thirteen attributes of Hashem.

What is so important about strengthening our spirituality today? It seems that technology and indulgent materialism have overshadowed our spiritual connection with the universe, with something bigger than ourselves. This links to our emotional wellbeing, living life well, in that spirituality helps broaden our outlook which helps cultivate a positive and healthier state of mind. The mind/body and spirit are indeed one. The only place they are separate, are in textbooks. Trading in our spirituality for technology is a life disabling choice.

Here I’m reminded of another story, this, of the little boy who was out flying his kite on a windy day. The wind was terrific that day and the kite was soaring high into the clouds. A man walked by and asked the boy what he was doing. “I’m flying my kite,” said the boy. The man looked, couldn’t see any kite, and said, “I don’t see any kite. How do you know you’re flying a kite?” The boy answered, “Mr., because I can feel the tug.”

Do you feel this “tug” in every moment of your life? That’s what positive “ruchaniyut,” in modern Hebrew, spirituality, is about – finding that tug in our lives. Menahem Mendel of Kotzk taught us that Hashem is wherever we let God in. It is up to us to feel His presence, to discover and fully feel His tug in every moment, in every situation, and to let Him fully into our lives.

Hashem promises Jacob in this week’s Torah reading that he will feel His tug, “And behold, I am with you, and I will guard you wherever you go, and I will restore you to this land, for I will not forsake you until I have done what I have spoken concerning you.” And Jacob goes on to say, “Indeed, the Lord is in this place, and I did not know [it].” How reassuring it is to feel the tug of Hashem with us in every step we take, regardless of where we are and what we are doing. How do we know He is with us? We feel His tug. Every harm we feel is His way of alerting us to the good he is doing for us, and with open eyes, we see it clearly. Rejection? No, His redirection. Every instance of life is a resource for us. Complain? Not if you are truly a person of faith.

The Kobriner Rebbe asked his students, “Do you know where Hashem is?” He took a piece of bread, showed it to them, and observed: “Hashem is in this piece of bread. Without Hashem’s expression of power in all nature, this bread would have no existence.” No, Hashem is not hiding from us at all. In chapter one in the Book of Jonah, we see that it is we who are hiding from Him.

By increasing our learning, turning into our sacred texts, we feel His tug. Through mindful prayer bringing our full selves, not simply zipping through words in an empty-minded mumbling way, we create a deeper connection to Him. Through our engagement with our community institutions, our synagogues, we can strengthen our spiritual actions and feel Hashem’s tug even more. Learn, pray, and act.

Just as Jacob did on his ladder, we take one rung in life at a time, always starting at the bottom. Defeated? Be grateful that He is putting something better in your life. S.M.I.L.E. more –See Miracles In Life Everyday. That is our spiritual strength. Jacob went far beyond the limits of his ordinary routine to discover, to see, and to connect with the larger meaning in life – what spirituality is ultimately all about, its true reward.

Recall Jacob left Beer Sheva for Haran upon his parents’ direction. This is when we are told he went to sleep and had his extraordinary dream of angels going up and down a ladder. But recall his work ethic. He went to Beer Sheva but Chazal tell us that he turned around after reaching Haran, wondering if he passed a place where his fathers prayed and he did not see it. He thought about the opportunity to increase his spirituality since he was always on the level of serving Hashem with all his strength.

Like Jacob’s dream of the highly symbolic ladder with angels of Hashem ascending and descending on it, it is up to us to climb our ladder in life one rung at a time, to come closer to Hashem, no matter how challenging our journey might be. Indeed, whatever is happening around us, we can still feel His tug. We aren’t facing a “problem,” but feeling His hand challenging us to grow to a better place, providing us an opportunity, a resource, a lesson, not an obstacle, rather His tug. Life, somehow, has a way of blinding us. It is said that “just as the hand, held before the eye, can hide the tallest mountain, so the routine of everyday life can keep us from seeing the vast radiance and secret wonders that fill the world.”

Jacob in our parasha found a ladder in the middle of the wilderness that connected heaven an earth. What if he didn’t? We all have moments where we can say Shehecheyanu, where we can say thanks for being granted life, for Hashem sustaining us, and for enabling us to reach a particular occasion. Do you see the Shehecheyanu that fill your life?

What if you trained yourself to discover and see the good that continually surrounds you? My teacher, Martin Seligman, Ph.D., taught that a simple way to enrich our wellbeing is with a question, “What went well today, this week?” Sure, we are often pressured, badgered, irritated, and distressed. But Jacob shows us that angels are always hovering around us. There are always blessings on our path. With a few moments of practicing to pause, we will see Hashem in our presence. We can enhance this by bringing with us the following positive emotions: awe, love (attachment), trust (faith), compassion, gratitude, forgiveness, joy and hope constitute what we mean by spirituality.

Let’s face it. Most among us have lost the facility, the capacity, to pray. We do many things in our lives, but prayer? Well, look around. Not so much.

In the dream we learn from this week, Hashem says, “Your descendants shall be like the dust of the earth”, and promises, “Here I am, with you: I will watch over you wherever you go.” Jacob awakens and affirms the Presence of Hashem, saying, “Truly the Eternal is in this place, and I did not know it!” This is a deeply spiritual moment when an ordinary place becomes special, unique, set apart, godly.

Jacob observes, “How awe-inspiring is this place! This is none other than the house of Hashem, and this is the gate of heaven!” Jacob teaches us that Hashem can be found everywhere – or nowhere. Jacob reached beyond the confines of his daily routine to find larger meaning in his life. That’s what spirituality is about – finding larger meaning in our life. That’s our task, no matter how much adversity we face in life. There is always a spiritual benefit that we are asked to see. After all, don’t we learn from Yaakov’s fight with the angel to see how situations turn out better than we might anticipate?

A dream comes to wake us up. We are to remember who is always with us, who brings us opportunities for our growth. This Shabbat, following Thanksgiving, let’s practice gratitude for all He does for us and see Him all around us.

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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com