Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — In this week’s parasha, Yitro, one of the six portions named for an individual, the Ten Commandments (not suggestions), the Aseret HaDib’rot, are revealed to Moses and to the Israelites in the wilderness. We may learn from this pinnacle experience that the Torah can be learned anywhere, even in the wilderness, by anyone with a receptive heart and open mind.
We are told of these ten commandments, not suggestions, to aid us in leading an optimal life, culminating in one very clear summary to help us live right, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox, his donkey, or whatever belongs to your neighbor” (Exodus 20:14).
When we covet, when we feel an inordinate desire for what belongs to another, we may create within ourselves resentment, anger, jealousy, and judgment, all feelings that lead to an unhappy, constricted life. Coveting here is a focused feeling according to the Ibn Ezra and the Radak, (some believe action, see Maimonides in Sefer HaMitzvot, Prohibitions 265, 266) specifically on those things that belong to others. It leads to prohibited actions. But how can we follow the other nine commandments, how can we love the Lord our G-d with all of our hearts, when we feel an overriding desire for that which He gave to others, not to ourselves? Thus, this 10th commandment encapsulates all the others. Coveting is ultimately a rejection of a closeness to Hashem and to the life He gave specifically to you. After all, when we covet anything more than Hashem, isn’t that idolatry? Further, coveting that which He gave to others is damaging and hazardous since it may serve as motivation to transgress against another, renouncing the other 9 commandments.
“You shall not covet” thus serves as a summary of these other commandments, a central message for living a more spiritual, less material, life. Indulging in physical pleasure leaves little serenity for spiritual strivings. It hinders our generosity, our tzedakah, towards others. The Rambam sees this commandment as a “fence” that averts a torrent of Torah-based transgressions. Indeed, we learn in Avot 4:21, “Envy, lust and seeking honor remove a person from this world.” And the Talmud in Sotah 9a, teaches, “Whoever sets his eyes on what is not his, loses also what is his.”
Pirke Avot (4:1), asks us, “Who is rich?” We are tested to respond gratefully for that which He gave to us. Loving Hashem, with all our hearts, helps us avoid becoming overly attached to physical pleasures and materialism.
Perhaps this is why “Do not covet…” is actually the anchor commandment, as it comes as the base upon which the Aseret HaDib’rot stand. So, let’s stop wasting time wishing for what we don’t have, in order to fully appreciate what we do have, B’H.
Yet, there may be another key reason this is so important, and through the lens of contemporary psychology, the notion of “constructed emotion” and the “principle of emotional responsibility” apply. This teaches that events do not create our emotions, we do not “get” upset, or others and things do not “make us” angry or envious, but rather we create our own feelings by the way in which we think about outside events, others, and ourselves.
Indeed, we do not need to look back to the 1950’s and 1960’s when this idea began to take hold in psychology, but we can look back to the Ibn Ezra, who noted that the Torah directs us to construct and regulate our emotions and that we have the capacity to do so. We learn from Rabbi Yosef Dov Halevi Soloveitchik’s Beit Halevi, that if one has a strong desire, being startled with fear can drown out that desire. Rabbi Yaakov Tzvi Mecklenburg teaches us that we can eliminate envy of others by filling our hearts with positive feelings for Hashem. In other words, contemporary rational emotive behavioral coaching is anchored in Torah, after all. We have responsibility for creating our emotions and can live a better, healthier life when we take that responsibility seriously.
This is the highlight of this week’s Torah reading. With the world spiraling in so many destructive directions, the Ten Commandments are clearly the paramount prescription for our moral direction. One time when I was on Oprah’s TV show discussing violence in America, she asked me why there is so much violence in our midst. From seemingly nowhere, on live TV, I said, “Oprah, the world came with 10 rules, not suggestions. Imagine if we followed them!”
The Sefer Hachinuch tells us that man has free choice in both his actions as well as in his thoughts and emotions. “He rules his heart and can guide it as he wants.” This suggests that man has the mental ability to take desire and demand out of his heart and refrain from the prohibition of feeling covetous. But, how? What specifically do we need to take out of our minds and hearts?
Psychologically, the act of coveting is anchored in the following thoughts, the harmful, unhealthy beliefs to eliminate from our thinking to delete the feeling of covet or desire:
1) That you SHOULD/OUGHT/MUST have it
2) That it would be TERRIBLE/AWFUL not to have it
3) You CANNOT STAND not having it
4) That you are NO GOOD for not having it
5) With envy or covet comes the belief that the other person is UNDESERVING or NO GOOD for having it.
The Chofetz Chaim, a prominent 19th century Orthodox Jewish sage, taught us that the story of Yitro in this parasha serves as a model for us in our pursuit of wisdom and guidance to live a spiritually and mentally healthier life. Yitro exemplifies the importance of seeking out wise mentors and counselors and listening to their counsel with humility and openness, as Yitro did when it came to learning from Moses.
Similarly, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, taught us that the story of Yitro holds important lessons for personal growth and spiritual development beyond the principle of emotional responsibility. We see inside the parasha the importance of attending to the dangers of idol worship and the need to remain steadfast in one’s beliefs, the power of discernment in making wise decisions and avoiding bad influences, the importance of balancing work and rest and taking time for self-reflection as on Shabbat, and the benefit of clear and effective communication in leading others. Regarding Shabbat, Yitro emphasizes the importance of balance and rest in our lives, something contemporary science fully supports. Hashem commands that we observe the Sabbath day as a day of rest, from which we understand the importance to take breaks and give ourselves time to recharge physically, mentally, and spiritually – the tripod of our lives. By doing so, by taking care of ourselves, we help avoid burnout, we can maintain energy and focus needed to march ahead towards our goals and live a happier, healthier life.
The Malbim, Rabbi Meir Leibush ben Yechiel Michel Wisser, was a 19th-century Jewish commentator who wrote a commentary on the Torah, in his commentary of this week’s Torah reading, emphasizes the concept of serving Hashem with intention and purpose. To realize the relationship that was created in receiving the Torah at Mount Sinai, one must serve Hashem with a clear understanding of our actions and the significance of our service. This requires clear thinking. The 10 Commandments are not a set of rules but serve to elevate us and bring us closer to Hashem and deepen our own spirituality and wellbeing. By cultivating a sense of awe and wonder for Hashem, from Mount Sinai to today, we can deepen our spiritual connection and enrich our lives. No, we cannot simply go through the motions or preach what others “should” do while we do not, but rather we would be wise to serve Hashem with our whole being, and to make every aspect of our lives a genuine, authentic, thorough reflection of our spiritual values and beliefs.
This is a parasha filled with insight, guidance, and lessons for living a life well-lived.
So, let’s stop squandering our precious time desiring for, and lamenting over, what we don’t have, to fully appreciate and employ what we do have, B’H.
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com