By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — Who says our children are nervous or depressed? A recent Pew survey finds that around 40% of parents are extremely or very worried their children might struggle with anxiety or depression. Indeed, according to a Mental Health America report, 16% of youth surveyed reported having at least one major depressive episode in the past year. More than 2.7 million children and adolescents are living with severe major depression.
Just because our youngsters may have anxiety about school shootings, separating from parents, are fearful of animals or blood or heights, fearful and saddened about what they are exposed to in social media, have panic attacks, can’t stop touching things or thinking about things, are painfully shy, are terrified of speaking in public, or freeze up on tests, why should we think our kids are nervous? Duh!
Why? Because these, and many other indicators, are genuine signs of disturbing anxiety and depression. Moreover, these are all unnecessarily bothersome to a child’s wellbeing and children with anxiety can be helped. Anxiety and depression disorders are the most commonly occurring type of emotional distress seen in children today.
The fact is that most anxiety and depression disorders in children continue into their teen and adult years. While some nervous habits may fade only to return when a child is faced with a particularly stressful situation, generally, without proper help, children with anxiety or depression do make adults with similar symptoms.
What is emotion? What is nervousness or anxiety, depression? The accepted view in traditional mental health arenas is that emotion is a kind of independent force that comes from the depths of a child’s inner world and over which he or she has no control. But that’s traditional, outdated, and unsupported thinking. Let’s look at something far more contemporary – Torah thinking.
Psychology based on Torah principles suggests something very different. In fact, contemporary “cognitive” coaching or therapy is based on what Jewish sages have been teaching for centuries. We believe that emotions are the byproducts of thoughts and actions, not uncontrollable independent forces. Further, we believe that emotions such as anxiety and nervousness result from very understandable and logical ways a child thinks about his or her world and life’s experiences. The action of thinking causes an emotion to arise. The specific emotion, anxiety or depression or hostility, is based on the type of thinking the child engages in. Based on this way of thinking, we believe that emotions can be controlled. The link is what you think.
Thus, helping children with both healthy and unhealthy negative emotions, including the range of anxiety, nervousness, worry, concern, and insecurity, is grounded in a simple formula: an external event is followed by an internal interpretation that produces an emotional response. What we would be wise to do is slow down this process to allow the child to gain control of it and thereby control his/her emotional response by catching his/her thoughts, challenging those thoughts, and changing those thoughts. This educational process can be, and is, taught to most youngsters and teens. And the Haggadah is a perfect book to teach that in very direct ways.
Using slow, deep breathing, and then focusing on positive realistic information and interpretations rather than negative, unrealistic information and interpretations that increase nervousness, will lead to a decrease in these emotions in most children (and adults). The goal is to help the child calmly stop misfocusing on certain types of information that leads to his or her concern, worry, fear, or anxiety/depression.
There is another aspect that is important in helping children reduce these worrisome emotions. It is what I call the “fourth element.” The first is the external event. The second is the person’s beliefs about the event. The third is the outcome.
Most people believe “A leads to B” without concerning themselves with the middle element, what the child believes about the event.
There is a fourth element. No matter what we believe, no matter what we do, sometimes things just don’t turn out the way we would like them to. Why? Because we recognize that Hashem is always in our life. In other words, we act, and He decides which path our lives will take. What’s been called the Protestant work ethic, “Work hard and you will succeed,” leaves out this fourth element. “Work hard and you will succeed – if and only if Hashem decides that you will succeed.”
Is this too much to teach a child? Of course not. For most children, understanding that he/she has a direct relationship with Hashem who plays a loving role in his or her life can be, and is, very reassuring. But first, the parent needs to fully believe this.
This week we begin celebrating Passover. Retelling the epic story provides a wonderful opportunity for all to reconnect with G-d, and to see that nothing ever happens TO us, but rather FOR us. When children come to understand this particularly through the eyes of their parents, when youngsters are trained to see the good in life, there leaves little room for worry. Faith overcomes fear.
One of the central themes of Passover after all, is the idea of transformation. The holiday reminds us that we have the power to transform ourselves and our lives, even in the face of adversity. This is a powerful message for anyone at any age struggling with mental health issues or other challenges, as it offers hope and inspiration for change.
Another important theme of Passover is the idea of liberation. The holiday teaches us that we have the power to break free from the things that enslave us, whether they are physical or mental. This can include negative thought patterns, harmful behaviors, or toxic relationships. By embracing the message of liberation, we can cultivate greater freedom and autonomy in our lives – essential for emotional wellbeing.
Passover also emphasizes the importance of community and connection. The holiday is traditionally celebrated with family and friends, and it emphasizes the importance of coming together to support one another. This sense of connection and belonging is essential for our mental wellbeing as it helps us feel valued, supported, and connected to something greater than ourselves.
Finally, Passover teaches us the importance of gratitude. During the holiday, we express gratitude for the many blessings daily in our lives, including our freedom, our health, and our loves ones. Gratitude is a powerful tool for emotional health, as it helps us focus on the positive aspects of our lives and cultivate a sense of contentment and joy.
Wishing a healthy, safe, happy Passover to all.
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com