By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — The slogan for Ron DeSantis’ recently announced campaign is “Make America Florida” inviting a copyright infringement lawsuit from Donald Trump who issued an executive order in his mind to make it illegal for other politicians to start their campaign slogans with “Make America.” What would the United States look like if it emulated Florida?
In the next pandemic Americans won’t have to hassle with quarantines and vaccines. The campaign’s secondary slogan is “Give Me Mortality Rather Than Authority.” All statues of Dr. Fauci will be dismantled and replaced by statues of Mike Lindell. Robert F. Kenney will be appointed Surgeon General.
The Department of Education will be abolished. In its stead the Office of Book Banning will be established to determine which books should be removed from public and school libraries based on the criteria laid out in in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451. The terms civil rights, Jim Crow, segregation, and slavery will be redacted from history textbooks.
The First Amendment will be revised to read: “The President shall prohibit the exercise of free speech by anyone who advocates for gay rights and wokeness or organizes anti-government protests. Citizens will have the right to drive their cars into such anarchic demonstrations.” The words “well-regulated” will be excised from the Second Amendment because nobody likes government regulation.
Abortion will be criminalized, as will contraception and male masturbation since sperm are living creatures who should not be diverted from their divine emission.
Secular theme parks, particularly those that glorify rodents and ducks who don’t wear pants, will be placed under the management of evangelical megachurches and feature rides and virtual reality experiences based on Biblical stories like Noah’s Ark, the Burning Bush, and the Crucifixion.
The Endangered Species Act will only protect manatees because they haven’t tried to call themselves womanatees or theyatees or demanded species reassignment surgery.
Support for Ukraine will be withdrawn. How bad can Russia be? It persecutes homosexuals.
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Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via Lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com
On that he’s getting a lot of help from the fossil fuel industry and the Supreme Court.
Laurie, you left out how DeSantis will flood our streets.