By Elona Baron (as told to Laurie Baron)
SAN DIEGO — I recently received an email from someone whose existence has been speculated about for years: Donald Trump’s Pitbull. I know everyone thinks that Trump never owned a dog largely because he is incapable of caring for anything beyond his own political survival. While it is true that Baron feeds and walks the Pitbull, Trump wanted a dog that reflected his personality and bought a Pitbull since the breed is known for tearing apart its enemies. He named it Roy after Roy Cohn who savaged the foes of his clients the same way. Trump kept Roy a secret by confining him to the White House library, the only place reporters covering the president never went to find him. Trump also appreciated that Roy humped every bitch he encountered.
According to Roy’s message, Trump trained him to bury or chew up documents that were too big to flush down the toilet. When Trump’s second term was stolen by voter fraud, he packed bigger folders of documents into boxes that Roy couldn’t get his mouth around. He also taught Roy how to pee on the gallows where Mike Pence was supposed to be hung. Since Roy waited futilely outside for that moment, he never had the opportunity to follow Trump’s other command to poop inside the Capitol. Roy was relieved when he heard that some of the rioters undertook this task on their own initiative.
Like his owner, Roy was forced into retirement. At Mar-a-Lago, there wasn’t much for him to do. He gladly would have chewed up the documents Troop stashed there, but he couldn’t find them because the boxes in which they were stored were constantly being moved from room to room. Roy proudly admits that he was able to locate one box and scatter its contents on the floor. He has demanded that the Special Prosecutor credit him with this accomplishment whose results can be seen in one of the photos the Special Prosecutor included in his indictment of Trump. For the time being, Roy is lying low, fearful that Merrick Garland will soon appoint a Special Dogcatcher to investigate Roy’s role in the coverup. If this happens, Roy will denounce the inquiry as a bitch hunt.
*
Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.