By Laurie Baron
Russell Moore, the editor-in-chief of Christianity Today, has observed that many MAGA Evangelicals reject Jesus’ doctrine of loving your neighbor and caring for the least among us as “liberal talking points.” To prove their point, they claim that archeologists recently discovered a lost manuscript in an excavation of an ancient Roman latrine. Here are some excerpts from what they have dubbed “The Gospel of Don.”
Although they were not like addicted, crazy, or lazy homeless people, Joseph and Mary needed a place to sleep where she could bear the baby miraculously implanted in her womb by a divine hand that grabbed her pussy. They came upon an ornate villa whose name indicated it was destined for her, Mar-y-Lago. Its owner Donald Triumphant welcomed the couple to demonstrate how much he appreciated unwed mothers who don’t have abortions and charged them only a few shekels to rent a manger overflowing with boxes of scrolls marked “top secret.”
When Jesus was born, three wise men brought him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Don confiscated the gold and used it to decorate the villa’s bathroom. As they departed from their pilgrimage to God’s son, Don showed Mary his hand and said, “This hand miraculously sired your child because I am God, but I’m about to disappear until the year 2016 AD (After Don).”
Jesus grew up to be a charismatic preacher who denounced the Temple Priests and Roman authorities for rigging the Five Books of Moses to proclaim that there was only one God whose name was Yahweh and not Don. Jesus performed many miracles like turning water into wine and feeding 5,000 guests at Mary-y-Lago with five loaves and two fish. From his penthouse in a yet to be discovered land, Don admired how much money Jesus saved by not hiring a caterer. Jesus taught that the meek will inherit the earth only after it is depleted of all its resources and devastated by global warming; whereas the rich will invent shrinking machines to enable them to pass through the eye of the needle portal to heaven and not share this technology with the poor.
As his crowning achievement, Jesus delivered his sermon atop Trump Tower where his real father lived. His most memorable line was: “Love your lawyers and hate your accusers. Pray for your supporters and demonize those who persecute you.” These principles prepared Jesus for his defense at his trial for sedition by the Sanhedrin. He denounced the members of the Sanhedrin as corrupt and demented liberals, perverts, and socialists. Even as he was dying on a cross that in the far future would be reserved for a contemporary Judas named Mike Pence, Jesus’s last words were, “Father, take vengeance on them, for they have conspired against me along with the fake news. When Judgment Day comes, there will be retribution. I will return to command humankind to obey the rule of my father Don.”
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Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via Lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com