By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Thanksgiving brings families together, but arguments about current events break them up. This year Jewish families will face this combustible situation as relatives sympathetic with the plight of Gazan civilians come face to face with their Stand With Us kin. Here are some suggestions to avoid the meal from being ruined by such confrontations.
Tell your guests ahead of time not to wear either blue and white clothing or red, green, and black clothing. Confiscate their political buttons and symbolic tied ribbons at the door. Make sure all newspapers and magazines have been stored away where no one can find them, even in the bathroom where some of them will demand something to read after they stuff themselves at dinner.
Don’t start dinner by recounting the story of the first Thanksgiving. Your guests are bound to identity the Pilgrims with the Israelis and the native Americans with the Palestinians.
Resist the temptation to sing America the Beautiful to show how grateful you are to live in the United States. The moment you utter the lyrics from “sea to shining sea,” someone is going to substitute “from the river to the sea,” for that verse instantly triggering a quarrel.
When you bring out the turkey to the dinner table, don’t call it a Turkey because Turkish President Erdogan has condemned Israel’s conduct of the war and funds Hamas. You can preempt the possibility by serving tofurkey which may have the unintended consequence of making everyone but the vegans more belligerent.
If there are college students among your guests, don’t ask how things are going on their campus.
If you invite Evangelical friends to dinner, don’t ask them about the war because they may praise it as heralding the Last Judgement when dead and living Jews will accept Christ as the Messiah and return to Israel. Don’t ask them to bring something for the meal. Unaware of kashrut laws, they might give you a baked candied ham telling you that at their Thanksgiving dinners they “always eat ham as the second meat.” Your Jewish relatives, no matter their politics, will fixate on the words “ham as” and go ballistic.
After dinner, when you watch football games, keep the remote in your hand so you can quickly mute any news breaks and fast forward through them. If people want to watch a movie, set up one room with a DVD of Exodus and another with the documentary series Al Nakba. Better yet have everyone watch Singing in the Rain.
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Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via Lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com
Well done, Laurie. Wish it were less accurate and apt. Satire is thin these days.