By Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D.
SAN DIEGO — Thank you, Jacob. For what, you may well ask. For teaching us the value of never missing an opportunity in life to do good, to say a kind word, to recognize that the present is all we have. Jacob, in a simple act, showed us to avoid the “someday” mindset, and instead shows us how important it is to never overlook the now, especially when it comes to offering a kind word, or a gift of kindness to another.
In 1988, I wrote a book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff PS: It’s All Small Stuff.” Jacob teaches us the value of, perhaps not sweating, but being mindful of, the small stuff. Let’s look inside the parasha and see this lesson in more detail.
Hashem directs Jacob to return to his home. Jacob continues to fear that Esau, his brother with whom he has had a long history of strife, jealousy, and more, will attempt to murder him. With that concern spreading to the welfare of his family, he cleverly divides his family into two camps…and then we learn that Jacob spent the night alone. Well, not quite alone. Recall that Jacob wrestled all night with “a Man,” an angel. Why didn’t Jacob go with his family if he was so concerned about their safety?
In the Talmud, in Chulin 91, we learn, R’ Elazar: “And Jacob remained alone” – he remained to take small flasks. It seems that R’ Elazar is teaching that Jacob returned across the river because he forgot some small flasks. But didn’t he have a bit more on his mind than to sweat returning to get some seemingly insignificant small flasks? Perhaps Jacob wasn’t thinking of himself. Perhaps Jacob was showing us the importance of considering others. Perhaps Jacob sensed these small flasks may have been important to someone in his family. And he shows us the value of acting now, not later, for perhaps he was concerned there may be no later. If you want to know what’s important to you, look at how you spend your now.
Jacob, our father, our teacher, offers us a remarkably important lesson. Kindness, expressed now, is the key to a successful life. Would it be wise to tell him what a good friend he is? Would it be wise if I tell her how nice she looks today? Would it be wise to offer to help the other person? Would it be wise if I offer to buy that stranger standing behind me at the coffee shop, a cup of coffee? Would it be wise to go back across the river for some seemingly invaluable small flasks? Jacob teaches us a simple answer. Yes.
Jacob also teaches us the value of not demanding, not insisting, or not complaining when life presents us with a conflict, a hardship, a challenge. Rather, Jacob “repaired” himself to find meaning, a lesson, in every situation. Rather than whining about a problem, Jacob fully confronted and wrestled with it, mindfully prepared himself to be curious rather than angry.
In Parshah Vayishlach פָּרָשָׁה וַיִּשְׁלַח, we learn from Jacob how to deal with stress by showing us to use conflict, challenges, and difficulties in life in the service of our growth. You see, Jacob found meaning and lessons that helped him and turned his obstacles into blessings.
“What can I learn from this?” is the mental position to take to grow in the face of stress. Sure he also prayed. Reb Levi Yitachak of Berditchev teaches us to ask Hashem not why we are suffering, but to show us the meaning of our suffering, what the suffering requires of us, and what He is communicating to us through our suffering.
HaRav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l, in teaching about dealing with suffering and fear, tells us that Jacob was fearful not because he was worried he was going to be punished by Esav, but rather he was worried that he had not reached his full potential. Sure, Jacob had emunah, but that meant for him not necessarily knowing what the future held, knowing instead and more importantly, who held the future.
Rav Henoch Leibowitz explains that Jacob’s fear awakened and uplifted him, and that Jacob used his fear to buttress his faithfulness in Hashem. Fear can be a strength, not a weakness. And from the teaching of Rav Shlomo Wolbe, we learn that Jacob turned a potential mess into a clear message from Hashem, “Trust in me but invest in whatever effort is necessary and is in your power to save yourself and your family.”
Rabbi Noah Weinberg, the founder of Aish HaTorah, once asked someone if they ever prayed. He said, “Rabbi, I pray every day.” “Really,” replied Reb Noah. “Did G-d ever answer your prayers?” “Are you kidding? He answers every prayer!” said the man. “Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes it’s no.”
When the answer is no, let’s follow Jacob and ask ourselves what Hashem is telling us? What can we learn? How is He helping us grow through this? This mindset allows us to always be thankful. Hashem is always with us, protecting us, watching over us. Let’s be more aware of this and not miss opportunities to perform small acts of kindness or share a loving word, or a smile. Now.
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Michael R. Mantell, Ph.D., prepares a weekly D’var Torah for Young Israel of San Diego, where he and his family are members. They are also active members of Congregation Adat Yeshurun. He may be contacted via michael.mantell@sdjewishworld.com