Satire: Template for Innocuous University Statements on Current Events

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — Two days after the Hamas’ rampage of kidnapping, killing, mutilating, and raping of Israelis on October 7, 2023, President Adela de la Torre of San Diego State University issued a statement, excerpts of which appear below:

“Throughout this weekend and today, SDSU has been in direct communication with dozens of impacted community members after the horrific reports of killings and kidnappings on a major Jewish holy day.”

“We condemn, in the strongest possible terms, any act of violence, especially those against innocent civilians. We are deeply struck by the sheer scale of the loss of life — of innocent Israelis, Palestinians, and countless others.” “We also recognize that this follows a long history of loss of life of civilians in this region.”

Outraged by her statement, SDSU’s chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine requested the US Department of Education to investigate the school’s “Islamophobia” charging that it “has failed to acknowledge the emotions and well-being of its Palestinian and Muslim students” and calling for de la Torre to “reassess this hateful and divisive rhetoric being spewed all over campus.”*

If the de la Torre’s statement can be construed as “hateful and divisive,” then university presidents must avoid any future backlash by using the following template:

“We condemn bad things occurring in (fill in name of place in generic terms—in this case, the lands on the Southeastern shore of the Mediterranean above Egypt and below Lebanon).  The university sympathizes with everyone residing there who feels victimized. It will provide noise cancelling earphones and blindfolds to members of diverse campus communities, so they won’t hear or watch news they find hurtful.  A generic flag with the image of a peace dove carrying an olive branch will be lowered to half-staff for a month.  In all campus public buildings, a musical loop consisting of songs like “Smile,” “Be Happy,” and “Don’t Worry ‘bout a Thing” will be piped in between classes.  Be assured students on this campus will never be confronted by anything that challenges their group identities or political perspectives.”

Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via Lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com

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For full texts of both statements, click here.