By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Recent court decisions have fined Donald Trump nearly half a billion dollars. To raise this much cash, Trump is selling personal possessions and starting new businesses. Here’s some of them:
The Trump Gold Mine: For a thousand-dollar ticket, customers can scrape a quarter inch of gold from one of the walls of his Trump Tower residence. On exiting, they can cash it in for a deliberately deflated price. For a million dollars they can purchase a replica of his gold toilet seat engraved with this saying: “Midas had the golden touch. Trump’s butt has the same power.”
The Trump Auction: Potential buyers can bid on love letters to Donald from Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin, Viktor Orban, and Jair Bolsonaro. They can also bid on facsimiles of Obama’s Kenya birth certificate, Melania’s “Einstein” visa, hundreds of classified documents that Trump managed to conceal from the FBI, and nooses bearing the inscription “Hang Mike Pence.”
Trump Mar-a-Lego: Trump is converting part of Mar-a-Lago into a Lego theme park. Visitors will buy brick size concrete Lego blocks to place on a wall that eventually will be moved to the Southern border when Trump is coronated in 2025.
Trump Sneakers: Trump unveiled his new line of expensive sneakers. He is mulling over two advertising slogans: “Just Do It, But Make Sure You Don’t Caught” and “The Sneakers to Wear When Running Away from the Law.”
The Judge Aileen Show: Donald’s newest TV show will feature him on trial in all the civil and criminal cases pending against him. The judge presiding over them will be Aileen Cannon. The show is scheduled to end when a current Supreme Court justice dies after his landslide victory in 2024, and Trump nominates her to replace the deceased.
The Cell Mate: In the unlikely possibility that Trump serves jail time for one of his alleged criminal offenses, he is also producing another reality show modeled on The Apprentice. Various white-collar convicts will be confined in a cell with him for a day. The winner be the one who doesn’t rape him, has MAGA tattoos, and is not a person of color.
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Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via Lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com
wild, man, wild