By Matt Lacoff
SAN FRANCISCO — As a trans Jew, myself, I have experienced some of the difficulties as well as moments of joy that come with existing in the intersection of transness and Jewishness. Yet, despite the growing breadth of literature on gay, lesbian, and other queer-identifying Jews, there’s still a gap in materials about trans Jews. Almost three years ago, I sought to begin this work of teshuvah (returning), to fill in the gap. Here’s how I did it and the takeaways from the interviews, including how we, as trans Jews, stay resilient and find hope. Read on to learn how some trans Jews carve out spaces where our wholeness can thrive.
Over the course of a year, I interviewed 45 trans Jews across the U.S., both through personal referrals and by putting out a call in queer Jewish Facebook groups, Discord servers, and on TikTok. Our conversations ranged from 30 minutes to three hours and frequently led to us sharing intimate and vulnerable stories and telling jokes as though we were old friends, even if it was the first time we had met.
The participants represented a diverse set of racial, ethnic, and gender identities, coming from 17 different states in the U.S. Participants identified with all major U.S. Jewish movements, including Reconstruction, Renewal, Reform, Conservative, Modern Orthodox, and Haredi, and many identified with more than one movement. Only a few participants identified as Orthodox, and only a few as non-Ashkenazi, showing that there is still more research to be done.
Jewish spaces can feel unwelcoming to trans people, especially when the space is set up to reinforce the gender binary. A mechitza (separate seating for men and women), gender-segregated events and clubs, rules for who can or must wear tallitot (prayer shawls) and/or kippot (head coverings), and even the bathrooms can all pose barriers to participation for those who are transitioning or are nonbinary.
Brooke (she/her) shared how she was expected to adhere to a male gender role, including wearing a kippa, within her Reform Jewish community: “Everything’s so heavily gendered that it really does force you to pick a side.”
Ari (they/them) works at a synagogue with no gender-neutral bathrooms, shared, “I usually have to rush home and go to the bathroom afterwards.”
Lack of queer representation in congregational discussions and text studies also can make trans Jews feel alone.
G (they/them) shared,“It’s not easy to tell where I fit into the story of the Jewish People. I have to keep working to make a place for myself.”
Trans Jews also face the very real threat of being completely cast out or isolated from our communities. This is especially — but not exclusively — true in Orthodox communities.
Feygele (she/her), who has not come out to much of her community as a woman, shared, “There are rumors about me in Haredi communities about mishkav zachar (men lying with other men). Now it’s hard, because people are calling me and really trying to pressure me into marriage, because their thought is that marriage solves everything.”
X (they/them) explained that they have had to distance themself from their Orthodox family and community: “Hearing all the talk among Jewish people about how transgender people aren’t real, ‘it’s all in their heads.’ I’ve had arguments with family members about the Torah’s view on gender and sexuality…I know there are definitely Jewish communities that would accept my identity, but the Orthodox community would not.”
Outside of Jewish communities, trans Jews may experience a different set of barriers in queer spaces, because of their religion.
As Vik (they/them) put it, “Many queer people especially have suffered religious trauma, especially in America…and unfortunately, these people tend to put their religious Christian trauma on the rest of us.”
Some of the people I talked to felt singled out and questioned about their stance on Israel, regardless of their age, expertise, or personal connection or views on Israel:
Feygele (she/her) shared that people online revoked their donations towards her medical care when they found out she was going to be attending yeshiva (religious school or college) in Israel, even though she does not identify as a Zionist: “They knew that I was Jewish and they then assumed that I had a type of politic about me, and then used it to try and discriminate against me [regarding] access to medical care. That’s evil, and it didn’t matter that I was brown, and it didn’t matter that I was trans.”
If you’re a trans Jew who knows these experiences personally, you’re not alone. There are queer and trans Jews across the nation facing the same obstacles. On this Trans Day of Visibility, I want to remind you and every single trans Jew that we don’t just deserve to survive but to THRIVE. With our resilience and strength, we’ll create a world where no trans Jew has to feel this way.
While trans Jews face obstacles to our very existence, we also know there is divine joy in being our full selves. I asked survey participants what wisdom they wanted to share with other trans and nonbinary Jews. These are their tips for creating spaces of joy and how they find hope:
— Always prioritize your safety.
–There are so many people and communities who will respect, love, and support you, even if there are some that do not.
–Being in community with other LGBTQ+ Jews will bring you joy, comfort, and a lot of laughter. Find and befriend other queer and trans Jews, whether in person or online. This is necessary for survival.
–Learn about queer Jewish history and look for queer representation in our religious texts.
–You don’t have to affiliate with a movement or limit yourself to just one.
–You do not have to come out if you aren’t ready or if your current environment is not safe to do so.
–Find joy in the beauty of being your authentic self. Savor it.
Even as a young trans Jew, I can speak to how hard it is to be my authentic self in this world. Before I started my transition, I couldn’t imagine life past 22. I felt like being trans would make it impossible for me to have a career, a committed relationship, and all the other trappings of an adult life. But I can happily say that I was wrong. My life is not perfect, no one’s is, but I am happy in my own skin and I have hope for the future. It is possible.
There may be times when you think that you will never be able to live openly, happily, and safely as your full trans self. But you deserve the radical joy that comes when you find community, role models, and all the love you need. You are a blessing on this earth and exactly the person you were meant to be. I love you.
Happy Trans Day of Visibility,
*
Matt Lacoff works for San Francisco Hillel as a Jewish education specialist. This article was distributed by the Keshet organization of Boston.
Congresswoman Sara Jacobs (D-San Diego) sent this press release:
Rep. Sara Jacobs (CA-51) and Rep. Pramila Jayapal (WA-07), Co-Chairs of the Transgender Equality Task Force, Rep. Mark Pocan (WI-02), Chair of the Congressional Equality Caucus, and Sen. Brian Schatz (D-HI) introduced bicameral legislation to recognize Transgender Day of Visibility on March 31st, celebrate the many contributions and achievements of the transgender and gender non-conforming communities, and affirm their human rights.
Rep. Sara Jacobs, Co-Chair of the Transgender Equality Task Force, said: “It’s been amazing to watch my transgender brother and gender non-conforming sibling be their authentic selves and live happily and confidently. I want every trans, GNC, and queer kid to have that same freedom – and that starts with visibility and representation. That’s why I’m so proud to reintroduce this bicameral resolution to recognize International Transgender Day of Visibility and celebrate all their contributions. The LGBTQ+ community has so much to offer our country and the world, and they should always be treated with dignity and respect and have every door open to them. I will keep pushing back against this hateful wave of anti-LGBTQ+ and specifically anti-trans rhetoric and policies until everyone can live freely and authentically.”
Rep. Pramila Jayapal, Co-Chair of the Transgender Equality Task Force, said: “As the proud mother of an incredible trans daughter, the fight for rights for trans people everywhere is personal to me. On this Trans Day of Visibility, I say to every single trans person: I see you, I hear you, and I will stand with you to ensure that you are protected and given the dignity and respect that all people should have. We will never stop fighting for trans rights everywhere, because trans rights are human rights.”
“The Equality Caucus and I stand with all trans people, especially in the face of relentless, obsessive attacks from Republicans against the entire transgender community,” said Rep. Mark Pocan, Chair of the Congressional Equality Caucus. “Every person should be free to be seen, heard, and live freely, without fear of discrimination, harassment, or violence. Not just on Trans Day of Visibility, but every day, the Equality Caucus will keep working towards a more equal future for the trans community.”
“International Transgender Day of Visibility is about celebrating the transgender community around the world – their achievements, their courage, and their right to live openly and authentically. Truly celebrating them also means raising awareness of the discrimination and violence they continue to face – and reaffirming our commitment to fighting back against any and all attacks. While we’ve made progress over the years – thanks to the bravery of many transgender leaders – the work for full equality, acceptance, and civil rights protections continues,” said Senator Schatz.