Hounding the Headlines: The Aging Alpha Dog Choices

By Elona Baron (as Barked to Laurie Baron)

SAN DIEGO — Every four years in the United States, dogs choose an alpha dog to lead them.  In the past both candidates were sufficiently tame and thus caused no alarm.  That is not the case this year.  Two old dogs are competing for the office.

Donald Hump is running.  As his name indicates, he can’t restrain himself from mating with every bitch he encounters. He growls at anyone who tries to enter his backyard or home. The dog catcher has already chided him for unwanted humping and biting anyone he dislikes.  He also refuses to come to the aid of dogs attacked by vicious predators.  He is a bit older than 11 years or 78 in human years.  Given that he eats unhealthy kibble and treats voraciously and is overweight, he may be biologically older than he looks.

As his name indicates, Joe Guiden is a service dog.  He looks out for the welfare of all dogs whether they be females who seek spaying to avoid having another litter of puppies or strays who don’t want to be rounded up and interned in a pound.  He’s older than Hump, but not by much.  He is just shy of 12 or 82 in human years.  Nonetheless, he looks older than Hump with wrinkles like a Shar Pei and the gait of a dog afflicted with hip dysplasia.

Lately he sometimes loses his direction during walks, though I should note that Hump seems to have forgotten that there are rules which domesticated dogs must heed.  Some members of his pack are pressuring him to step aside for a healthier and younger canine, but he’s resisting, afraid that this is a prelude to being euthanized.

Neither inspire great confidence, but I’d rather be led by a gentle guide dog than be tugged around by a rabid one. If Guiden is the dog equivalent of Mufasa in The Lion King, Hump is the dog equivalent of Scar.

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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.