The Mother-Daughter Relationship Makeover: 4 Steps to Bring Back the Love by Leslie and Lindsey Glass; Boca Raton, Florida: Health Communications, Inc © 2024; ISBN 9780757-325069; 324 pages; $16.95
By Cailin Acosta
SAN DIEGO — The mother and daughter relationship can be a very sensitive subject for most mothers and daughters. How they communicate, don’t communicate, and interact in everyday life can be a constant tug-of-war on the mind and body. Someone is right and someone is wrong. It is a delicate process when dealing with emotions and hormones in different spectrums of womanhood.
The Mother-Daughter Relationship Makeover written by mother, Leslie and daughter, Lindsey Glass is a self-exploration/self-help book that gives four strategies of healing the war between mothers and daughters. In a disclaimer, it is mentioned a few times that these strategies might not work for everyone, especially if there is abuse and more serious problems in the relationship. But they can help other mothers and daughters understand where situations went wrong and how to heal from the past.
Step One: Self-Discovery. This section discusses areas to explore as mothers and daughters have different histories. These include the chapters: Writing as a Cure, Leslie and Lindsey’s Stories, Mother/Daughter Emotional and Personality Styles, Communication: What You Say and What She Hears, and Getting Honest About the Secrets and the Lies.
Leslie discusses her upbringing coming from Jewish parents. Since her father was Jewish, he was barred from joining a prominent Chicago law firm but excelled in the entertainment business. Her mother was silent about her Jewish heritage and never shared stories or advice with her. Leslie came from a wealthy family and had a Chinese caretaker and driver as her parents were working or attending events.
Lindsey discusses her upbringing and the severe anxiety she suffered. This contributed to her addiction issues with alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. This caused many years of fighting and trust issues for both mother and daughter.
In the self-discovery section it is a time to look back on the past and find any troubling issues from your upbringing that might be causing troubles in your relationship with your mother or daughter. Some conflicts are so deeply engraved in the families’ histories that habits can be hard to break, or mend. A stigma discussed is the lack of communication surrounding mental health and addiction. Families were not open to this discussion as Leslie was growing up and teens, like Lindsey, were not as open to discussing their issues with parents or with a professional. Accepting help was a sign a weakness or labeled as someone who is troubled.
Step Two: Mother-Daughter Areas of Conflict. This section discusses the many areas mothers and daughters have conflicts. These include the chapters: Food and Weight, Finances and Money, Appearance and Style, Friends Boyfriends/Girlfriends and Romantic Partners, Dependence and Independence, Boundaries and Detachment, Alcohol and Drugs and Mental Illness. Within these chapters, both Leslie and Lindsey described their situations and how they differed from each other and caused conflicts. Discussing food and weight all depends on your upbringing and what was observed from your parents’ reactions. Having a healthy relationship with food and weight depends on the individual. The same can be said about drugs and alcohol and if addiction is a family trait. Letting teens express themselves through their appearance can upset mothers that were brought up in a strict household but also don’t want their daughters to have too much freedom. This section depends on cultural expectations and family history.
Step Three: Triggers, Trauma, and Conflict Resolution. This section discussed the many areas that can cause problems and the difficulty to get along. These include: Triggers, Trauma, Techniques to Keep the Peace and Breaking up When Necessary and Resources for Extreme Situations. Triggers can be different for many people. Some triggers can be asking a simple question or be as severe as suffering a panic attack. Triggers can be affected from past trauma. Lindsey discussed breaking up with her mother and moving to the West Coast. Lindsey and Leslie had no communication for four years and then eventually started communicating with safe topics. Safe topics included nothing from the past or future but sending videos of their animals which did not impose any judgements. If situations are too extreme to heal like abuse and active addiction, then parting ways would be a healthy option for both parties.
Step Four: Healing and Reconciliation. This section discusses the healing process that can take many years to get to. These include: Accepting Your Part and Gaining New Perspective, Forgiveness and Healing, Reconnecting With Purpose and Rekindling the Love, and Creating the Lifestyle You Love. For some, accepting responsibility is difficult. Recommended are discussing clarity with each other and what you want from each other to set goals for the future. Part of healing is also setting appropriate boundaries so both know what are safe topics and what are topics to not discuss. Lindsey and Leslie reconnected after four years apart and started slowly getting back together. Providing support for Lindsey in recovery became a priority with Leslie attending Al Alon (family groups to help family members with addiction) programs and how to support the recovery process.
After each chapter, there is a section for journaling, to take a few minutes to pause and reflect on what you read and how to apply to your personal situation. The book was very detailed in describing therapeutic approaches and made it very easy to understand. The four strategies are very easy to follow and can be applied to other relationships beyond mothers and daughters. As I do with many books I finish, I will pass this on to a friend who is starting to have a difficult time with her daughter and hope she can find some solutions to apply to their relationship.
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Cailin Acosta is the assistant editor of the San Diego Jewish World.