By Elona Baron (as barked to Laurie Baron)
SAN DIEGO — Watching the news with my human, I heard that J.D. Vance claims that Haitian immigrants have eaten cats in Springfield, Ohio. As a dog, I know that cats don’t taste good enough to be ground up in my food. If they were delicious, I can guarantee that some entrepreneurial person would recycle dead ones into a new product called The Farmer’s Cat.
As a pet, I feel obligated to protest the political exploitation of animals. On the other paw, if the Vance story is true, then the pet community must prepare to defend itself against dangerous humans and help endangered ones. Here’s are some of the things I’d suggest we do:
–Train Chihuahuas to bite Border Patrol and I.C.E. Agents, as well as members of Mexican drug cartels. For the record, people smuggle narcotics into this country, not mules.
–Persuade Russian Wolfhounds to betray their masters and side with Ukrainians.
–Fly carrier pigeons over voting districts where Trump won in 2020 to drop leaflets informing MAGA loyalists that most bird deaths are not the result of wind turbines, but rather of cats. Those feline perpetrators should join AA, Animals Anonymous, to overcome their addiction.
–Have turtles demand that Mitch McConell publicly disassociate himself from their species.
–Mobilize cats to march of behalf of maligned childless women. As a sign of solidarity, they should wear knitted hats topped with rubber women’s ears since millions of women paid homage to them by donning pussycat hats.
–Encourage elephants to sue the Republican Party for copyright infringement. Elephants never forget; that’s why they won’t vote for Trump.
–Incite Guinea Pigs to refuse to be used guinea pigs in medical experiments.
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Elona Baron lives with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. She assures readers that no animals were harmed in the writing of this column.
Brilliant! My cat has turned on the house alarm and is hiding in the closet!
Dear Elona–
As a captive primate, I totally agree with you! I remember David Letterman’s 1990s game in which the studio audience was forced to answer “Trump” or “Monkey” when shown closeups of multi-colored hair. Talk about political exploitation of a species! And to think that simian imposter lied and bragged his way into the presidency. A travesty!
Keep up the fight!
J. Fred Muggs
J. Fred, I didn’t know you were still alive. My memory is shorter. I recall Bill Maher being sued for saying Donald Trump was related to an orangutang. Trump, of course, sued, but what is lesser known, is that orangutangs filed a class action against Maher for defaming them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB2uYvQFqec