By Elona Baron as Barked to Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Upon declaring our independence from British bulldogs in 1776, all creatures living in this land established the United States of Animals whose government parallels that of the human USA. This year the ostriches convinced us to put our heads in the sand and elect the Golden Deceiver while parrots incessantly repeated his lies. Since the Deceiver is rabid, he has nominated dangerous beasts to serve in his cabinet.
Much to the dismay of chickens, the Deceiver selected Robber Fox Hennedie to head the Department of Hen House Scarfing. This is also a blow to the dogs of the country because Hennedie plans to dismantle the CDC, the Canine Distemper Commission, to make all dogs as rabid as the Deceiver.
Slam Houndi is slated to head the Department of Jackals. Why let Haitians eat dogs and cats when Jackals can hunt and consume them without provoking any controversy? My advice for the human president is to send Commander out of the country and for single women who own cats to do the same.
Pete Hedeghog has been nominated to helm the Department of Offence. He is a prickly character according to charges filed against him by a female hedgehog. He is best known for the television show Sonic the Hedgehog where he played a hedgehog who defected to the side of archvillain Dr. Robotnik. True to his species, he has burrowed deep into the butt of the Golden Deceiver.
Slash Camel has been designated the director of the Federal Bureau of Illegality. He plans to spit in the face of animals who have bitten or growled at the Golden Deceiver. He looks forward to assist catching and deporting unlicensed pets.
Tulsi Mallard will be the director of National Infiltration. She has a particularly close relationship with Muscovy Ducks, an invasive species that recently migrated to the ponds of a country called Ukraine.
Finally, there’s Elon Tusk who will administer the Department of Genus Extinction. He arrogantly believes he can do anything because he is the biggest land mammal. Like the Golden Deceiver, he never forgets a grudge. He has been tasked with eliminating species currently employed by the United States of Animals.
Darwin speculated that the law of nature is survival of the fittest. Let’s hope the next four years doesn’t prove him right
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Elona resides with Bonnie and Laurie Baron. The latter is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.